


I've never fallen from quite this high, Falling into your ocean eyes

by AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, How Do I Tag, The episodes used are mentioned on the notes, brief mentions of cannon scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard/pseuds/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard
Summary: "Ava turned on her desk lamp and held her finger under the bright light to take a better look.Her heart skipped a few beats when she finally realized what those seemingly random lines really were.An unfinished soulmark."(An Avalance Soulmark AU)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first lengthy Avalance fiction and my first soulmark AU so please go easy on me!
> 
> It was supposed to be just a one shot but then my hand slipped and next thing I know I have 20k+ words... So I spread it through chapters and tagged the episodes referred to in some of them on the notes. 
> 
> As a quick note for this first chapter: The Alex mentioned is from the show Mistresses. She's just mentioned so I didn't feel there was a need to tag her. If you think I should, please let me know!
> 
> Shout out to [ WishingTree ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishingTree/pseuds/WishingTree) for beta'ng this mess <3
> 
> And now without further ado, hope you guys enjoy it! And please let me know if you did ;)
> 
> (Title is from the lyrics of 'Ocean Eyes' by Billie Eilish)

Ava always thought it was odd that the first time she heard about soulmates and soulmarks was during one of those breaks, in between trainings, back when she was just a mere agent-in-training. The small group of girls she had overheard in the locker room had been in the middle of an animated discussion about how and when they had met their significant other, baring their wrists, palms and even shoulders to proudly showcase their soulmark to one another. She remembers them giggling together as they went through the meanings of each unique inking and how it completed – or was completed in some cases – by the one their partners carried. What caught her attention was how carefree they spoke of it, like it wasn't something too personal to share with others; like it was a normal thing to bring up in a conversation. But Ava didn't find it normal, not when she knew that nowhere in her skin such mark could be found.

 

She ended slamming her locker shut perhaps with a bit more force than it was necessary, when the enthusiastic chat adopted a more sombre tone. One of the girls had found it important to mention someone's cousin twice removed, who had the unlucky fate of being born without a soulmark on their skin. The tale itself was nearly drowned by the occasional gasp and the pitiful ' _oh no',_ among other expressions of horror and disbelief as the girl recounted the heartbreaks and the struggles that culminated in tragedy. It was the ending that ultimately had pushed Ava to slam her locker shut and walk away, when tears burned at the corner of her eyes. A part of her began wondering at that moment if history was bound to repeat itself, with her as the protagonist this time.

 

Or perhaps not.

 

Alex was charming in her own special way, even if she nearly had driven Ava up the walls with her never-ending positivity and radiant disposition at first. At least it made looking for an apartment a more interesting task, especially when Ava began nitpicking little things like the windows not having the same spacing in between – she even had brought a measuring tape to prove her point – or how the doors would open outwards instead of inwards. Of course it had been meant as nothing more than simple curiosity, just to see how far this woman's seemingly never ending stream of easy-going smiles ran; and even though it may have taken a bit longer than she had expected, soon the first signs of frustration began pulling at the corner of Alex's dark brown eyes and Ava had filed that as a win.

 

Apartment picked and business concluded, Ava realized with some bitterness that she wasn't quite ready to part ways with the other woman just yet, even if she had caught the telltale of a soulmark, hidden underneath an intricate handmade bracelet, when Alex had pointed up to get her attention to a chandelier at some point.

It caught her by surprise when the woman had extended her an invitation for dinner, under the pretence of celebrating a sale well done; it surprised even further when the word _'yes'_ tumbled out of her lips, despite the chorus of _'no'_ being sang in unison by both her brain and her entire body at that exact same time.

 

Nearly a week later she found herself tangled in brand new sheets, with a woman she knew didn't belong to her, pressed against her body. She knew it was wrong, she knew she should have stopped herself before things went too far, but it was Ava's name on Alex's lips every time she came undone, not someone else's. Not some other woman's, or even some man's name, who shared the same soulmark on their wrist, the mark Ava swore to forget about as months rolled by and they remained together.

 

It helped that Alex always kept it covered and away from her eyes, like she was too ignoring its existence.

 

Never occurred to her just how empty and hollow their entire relationship actually felt until their little make-believe wore off, until that one day they were showering together and Alex finally took off her bracelet and Ava got a clear shot of the ink on her skin. She remembers cradling the woman's wrist in her hands, remembers the tears that ran down her cheeks as she finally took in just how absolutely beautiful the soulmark was, remembers Alex trying to pry her hand away exclaiming it didn't matter, that was Ava she loved and not some stranger she had no real desire to meet.

 

She knows it would have been easier to tell her she believed her. She knows it would have been easier to just pretended for a bit longer that they were meant for each other after all, even though more often than not she had fallen asleep feeling guilt churning at her insides. It would have been easy to kiss Alex's lips there and then and make them both forget. But she couldn't bring herself to do so. She may have made her peace with soulmarks meaning close to nothing at some point, but part of her still believed they existed for a reason, even if in the end that reason was nothing but a painful reminder to just how unhappy she was really meant to be.

 

The moments that followed were like one of those blurry memories in slow motion, where all the sounds are muffled like one is under water. The leaving the bathroom, the putting on clothes while Alex stood nearby frantically begging her not to go, the screaming and yelling that sounded so distant to her ears, the surprisingly strong grip on her forearm as she made to open the front door of the other woman's house...

 

Only several weeks later did they come face to face again, when Ava found the other woman waiting for her outside her own apartment one night. At first she tried to avoid talking to her but Alex was pretty determinant and ended up taking her by surprise when she offered a sincere apology and a warm smile. It pained Ava that she seemed to be shouldering all the blame herself, when both had clearly been at fault; but Alex had been pretty adamant, going as far as admitting she had been using Ava as some sort of way to escape some pre-written destiny she didn't want to come to terms with.

 

But she would, eventually. Or at least she believed she would.

 

She accepted the quick hug but let the words they parted with ring hollow in her ears. It was insane to believe that something like _'there is someone out there for you as well Ava'_ was a certainty, not when she was so sure that people like her, people without a soulmark, were bound to be alone forever.

 

Over the course of a few months - and more than a fair share of glasses of whiskey - she had finally managed to convince herself that it was alright, that being alone wasn't so bad when she had such a hush hush kind of job. She remembers vividly those times she had to make excuses to cancel dates or nights in, too afraid her at-the-time girlfriend would ask too many questions about the bruises and split lips she was showcasing after dealing with a tougher anachronism. It had been always easier to just come back to an empty apartment, tend to her wounds in silence and then crash on an equally empty bed than to let someone – even her now underling Gary – fuss over her like she was a child and needed to be cared for.

 

It was easier and it was less stressful and Ava was finally at peace with herself and her future.

 

That is until one Sara Lance came crashing down into her life – and into her heart.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of episode 3x09

Sara Lance was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most infuriating woman Ava had ever had the displeasure _and_ misfortune to meet in her whole life. And considering her life consisted of a lot of time-travelling, that statement spoke volumes. In no other century, time period or civilization had Ava ever laid eyes on someone with such blunt disrespect for authority and rules and _common sense._ The merry bunch the woman travelled with was no better. They followed her around blindly like they were nothing more than a flock of hungry seagulls and Sara was dangling that one appetizing French fry in front of their faces.

 

Needless to say she was more than a little upset when she was put in charge of keeping an eye on them and make sure they didn't mess up the entire timeline, _again._

 

Because keeping an eye meant, more often than not, that she would have to physically be in the same room as Sara, rolling her eyes and saying the same thing over and over as the other woman ignored her. It also didn't help that whenever she went on board to scold said woman, her team would always be present, one way or the other, their looks of pure amusement and glee too blatant to be simply brushed aside. The task only became a little more bearable once she discovered a glare was enough to make them scatter to the winds, leaving her alone with their infuriating captain, who would always have that equally infuriating smile of hers plastered on her face that never failed to make Ava twitch.

 

Having to deal with Sara may have been a problem at the beginning of her assignment, but it only became _an actual problem_ when Ava found herself looking forward to see the woman and be near her. There was a steady flow of something she couldn't quite put her finger on, something that caused her initial dislike for Sara to shift into tolerance and even perhaps something akin of respect. In truth it was more than that, she knew, the moment she started to let her hair down from the usual perfect bun when she spoke with the other woman through calls, just because Sara had mentioned one day that Ava looked prettier with her hair over her shoulder.

 

It honestly surprised her when the captain asked directly for her help with an anachronism one day. She prided herself in being able to read Sara like an open book by then, and yet still managed to get caught off guard sometimes, when the other woman pulled one of her unpredictable moves on the careful game of chess they seemed to be playing those days. But she had shown up anyway, traded her usual suit for a ridiculous time period appropriate costume – her heart did _a thing_ when Sara had told her that she looked good – and drank some Vikings under the table, the tipsiness making her perhaps reveal a little too much about herself than she should have. Sara had looked possibly intrigued when she had let it slip she wasn't _'the husband kind'_ , something in her blue eyes telling Ava she was definitely filing that information for later.

 

Part of her couldn't wait to find out why, another part chastised her for even wanting to know.

 

Like all things Legends, she should have known things would spin out of control sooner or later.

 

Suddenly the Time Bureau was refusing to send help, she was being ordered to return to the office and Sara was telling her to disregard orders because she _needed_ her there. And Ava honestly found herself, for the very first time, torn between the only certainty in her life – her job - and this absolutely maddening woman. But when she felt herself close to say _'screw it'_ , close to actually giving in and staying to help, a little voice in her head reminded her painfully about something she had forgotten until that very moment.

 

_Soulmarks._

 

Ava didn't even know if Sara at some point had someone special she was meant to spend the rest of her life with – she was aware the woman had came back from the dead after all – or even if she had a soulmark somewhere inked on her skin. By now the mark could just be nothing more than a painful reminder of what Sara may have lost; or maybe she simply didn't have one, maybe she was as just as cursed to live a lonely life as Ava herself.

 

That thought is what gave her pause; but before that glimmer of hope could really have time to settle in, she dismissed it in a heartbeat. She couldn't afford to put her job on the line, that one thing that gave her purpose, for someone she had just honestly began to know. She had read Sara's file, knew more than others surely did about the former Black Canary, but there were some things that still lurked in the shadows, things that Ava needed to shine a light on before she could even consider giving her personal feelings free reign to dictate what would happen next.

 

And even if she did have to leave and return to the office, she still wanted Sara – and her team, she reminded herself – to be safe. So in one last ditching attempt, she allowed some concern and worry to show on her face as she looked the other woman in the eye and advised her to grab the others and leave. She was well aware Damien Darhk was personal for Sara and that she wasn't one to back down from a fight, but she hoped against all odds that the captain of the Waverider would see that confrontation at that point wasn't a viable option.

 

Not even half an hour later and she was back on the same sandy beach she had stood on the night before, pulling Sara Lance out of some dimensional pocket she had managed to get herself stuck into.

 

Ava was sure the others were starting to notice she was acting a little different around their beloved captain, sticking to her side perhaps just a little closer than what would have been seen as appropriate, insisting on walking Sara back to the Waverider to make sure she was alright. It was endearing to see the other woman putting up a front and dismissing her worry, going on and on about how she was perfectly fine; but she still followed her to the medbay and even allowed Gideon to run a quick check up, like she was actually aware Ava needed that extra reassurance.

 

Maybe she really knew, after all. Maybe Sara had caught up on those little telling signs that Ava was crushing on her, possibly harder than she should have.

There was really no telling, at least not until Sara would be willing to spell it all out. And if she did, Ava had no idea what would become of them then, with the looming possibility of a soulmark inked somewhere on the other woman's body.

 

She knew something was different after that.

 

There was a lightness spreading in her chest, like a crushing weight slowly being lifted. The more she spoke to Sara, the more time they spent together and the more they opened up to each other about their worries and their pasts, the more that weight would suddenly disappear. It was hard to figure out if it was Ava's own worries slowly melting away or _something else_ , something she wasn't entirely sure about. The feeling itself was new and invigorating, like a drug coursing through her veins making her feel more alive than she ever did.

 

And that was when she notices the lines on her pinky finger.

 

Ava remembers seeing nothing but a tiny black dot on that exact spot before, after returning to the office and getting on with filing the report about the entire Viking anachronism. She remembers frowning at it and the pen she had been using, wondering just how she had managed to dot the finger of her dominant hand with it, and remembers trying to wash it off when she had taken a bathroom break, only to realize it wasn't coming out. That itself wasn't uncommon since permanent ink was a thing, thus she just assumed that was the problem and that it would sure fade in a few days.

 

What baffled her is how that tiny insignificant dot had somehow expanded into intricate lines, like some grand artist had been drawing on her skin with immense expertize and precision when she hadn't been looking. Ava turned on her desk lamp and held her finger under the bright light to take a better look.

 

Her heart skipped a few beats when she finally realized what those seemingly random lines really were.

 

An unfinished _soulmark_.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of episodes 3x12, 3x13 and 3x15

There are the beginnings of a soulmark on the pinky finger of her right hand and Ava doesn't know where to begin. She must have made a sound, something that must have been loud enough to reach the hallway because next thing she knows Gary has nearly knocked the office door off its hinges and is standing in front of her desk, worry written all over his face. Ava ignores the fact she's allowing him to see her vulnerable like this, somehow glad to have someone around to share her newfound little discovery.

 

“Agent Sharpe,” he starts quietly, eyeing her with a mix of fear and concern. “Are you alright?”

 

She doesn't answer with words, instead choosing to stretch her hand towards him, palm facing up. A sob escapes her throat when Gary's expression changes from one of confusion to absolute delight, a grin spreading as he leans down slightly to take a closer look at the black lines running along her finger. If he's surprised she didn't have a soulmark before, he doesn't say; instead he takes a moment to excuse himself to shut the door and then pulls up a chair to sit next to her.

 

Gary looks expectantly but thankfully doesn't ask any questions as they sit together in a relative comfortable silence. It gives her the time - and the courage - she needs to compose herself and organize her thoughts, especially when she slowly, but steadily, begins to voice them out loud. He just nods along to her words, occasionally offering her a tissue from the box she always keeps on her desk, when things end up taking a more emotional turn. She speaks of when she first learned about soulmarks and how it made her feel when she realized she didn't have one. She speaks of an indescribable emptiness and how she thought she was meant to be alone. She speaks of meeting Alex and how both had been selfishly trying to escape their fates.

 

It's only when she mentions Sara Lance that Gary finally speaks, his question ringing through her mind long after he had already left and she had gone home for the day.

 

“ _Could she be... you know... Your other half?”_

 

Those exact words begin to constantly plague her thoughts from that moment on, echoing louder in the back of her mind when she stands by Sara or simply speaks to her through a video call. More than once does Ava find herself on the edge of telling the other woman about the soulmark; or simply at the brink of asking Sara if she had one herself. But fate was known to be a cruel mistress and suddenly there was always just something that would prevent her from finally voicing herself, being it a random interruption by Gary, Gideon or one of the Legends, or simply her surge of confidence that would wane away before the words were out of her mouth.

 

There's also the scary possibility that Sara was not the one she was meant to be with, that this soulmark was suddenly painting her skin because perhaps whoever's supposed to be her other half had moved closer or had finally taken a notice to her.

 

Ava starts covering the mark afterwards with a bandage until she can find answers, ignoring the way that the teasing remarks the other woman throws at her about it make her inked skin tingle. She also starts paying more attention to Sara's body, gaze always lost in every new expanse of skin she could lay her eyes on when she thought no one was looking. But Sara notices, because of course she does, blue eyes sparkling with mirth and _something else_ before she would saunter away with a wink and a sway of her hips.

 

She forgets all about soulmarks again when Sara asks her on an actual date. Granted it doesn't exactly go as planned – deep inside she knew it wouldn't – but she still finds it in herself to finally let go, to finally allow herself to find out if Sara's lips are as soft as they appeared to be.

Ava allows Sara to drag her through the corridors of the Waverider and into her personal quarters, allows her to kiss every inch of her skin, allows her to completely tear her apart in ways no one has ever done before.

 

And in the morning when she wakes up, arm draped around the other woman's waist, it's like all the pieces of the puzzle had finally come together.

 

The bliss doesn't last.

 

Suddenly Rip Hunter is there, the Time Bureau Director is dead and the leadership falls on her.

 

Suddenly everything is fine until it isn't, because somehow Sara merged with the death totem and Ava and Gary are working with Constantine – who Sara had admitted to have slept with before – _before she had a girlfriend –_ to get her back.

 

Suddenly she's breaking down in from of the Legends with no shame, begging the woman she has come to love to come back to her.

 

And suddenly Sara is back and alive and well and Sara's breaking up with her, because she's afraid to hurt her and thinks Ava deserves better.

 

She doesn't show up for work for a few days after that, instead choosing to go far away to drown her sorrows with an ex-girlfriend she had met before she had learned what soulmarks were, before her life had been thrown in complete disarray by Alex, before she had even known about of the existence of a certain Sara Lance. The woman, whose name was foggy but whose face she could vividly recall, was a link to a part of her life that had been so easy and carefree. It only took a few drinks to allow this familiar stranger to drag her to some dingy motel on the other side of the road from the bar they had been sitting at.

 

It made her sick to her stomach that she had to keep her eyes open throughout the night, less her mind wondered to a certain blonde woman she wished she was with instead.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of episodes 3x16, 3x17 and 4x09
> 
> Also this chapter is the longest and the most angsty, my sincere apologies in advance!

Ava is half paying attention to her surroundings when she finally steps back into the Time Bureau headquarters, eyes glued to her mobile phone as she absently scrolls through the long list of unread texts and work emails that had piled up during the time she'd been unreachable. It felt massively irresponsible to have gone off the grid for as long as she did, especially now that she was the director; but it wasn't like she had much of a choice. It was either miss a few days and show up like a storm afterwards or having sat in her office crying all over her desk and paperwork over one Sara Lance, while Gary passed her tissue after tissue, glass after glass.

 

Just the bare thought of _her_ makes Ava clench the phone in her hand with more force than she should have and she scrunches up her face the moment her ears pick up the small cracking noise that follows the action. She flips the small device around and notices the small crack on the casing that nearly makes her want to scream. But she doesn't, no matter how much she really wants to, because now she's standing by the elevators and there's hurried footsteps sounding right behind her. Ava pushes the button to call the elevator harder than she should have, multiple times. There's no way of telling who may be coming to talk to her that morning without glancing over her shoulder and she can't bring herself to do that, not when she's afraid it may be _that someone_ she's not ready to face.

 

The elevator is taking its time to descend and she glances up at the red numbers above the doors, finding out that the car keeps stopping in every single floor. She whispers a curse under her breath and braces herself, braces for what is sure coming. The steps stop just behind her and she closes her eyes, in a feeble attempt to shut the world for at least a second longer. When she opens them again and turns around, it's not Sara that she finds there but an agent. Ava doesn't know if she's more glad or disappointed by the sight.

 

The young man is eyeing her carefully and she immediately fixes her posture, straights up her back, squares up her shoulders and cleans her throat. She's used to this by now, used to the way some of these man and woman tend to freeze up the moment they have to address her – the ' _big bad boss'_ , as she had caught in passing whispers sometime ago. In other days she would have given him a minute or two to pull himself together but she doesn't have the time nor the patience, too anxious to get to the safety of her office and just _breathe._ Ava tilts her head and is glad she remembered to grab the pair of dark sunglasses laying around on her hall table earlier, otherwise she may have sent this poor guy running. Her eyes are narrowed but he doesn't see it, the smile on his face a bit too bright when he finally snaps out of it, snaps out of being a frozen pop sickle and bids her a _'good morning'._

 

She doesn't return it like she should have. Like she would have, if this was any other ordinary day. But it really isn't. Ava can feel the first pricks of anxiety clawing their way up her insides and can only manage a curt nod, not trusting her voice. She waits and listens as patiently as possible, suppressing the urge to start bouncing her leg when the young man launches into a very detailed explanation about how his team had managed to just tackle a difficult anachronism without a hitch. He's proud of it and she is as well, but still can't bring herself to show it, to place a hand on his shoulder and tell him just that.

 

It's hard to miss the disappointment that flashes in his dark eyes when she only nods, again. He's looking defeated and doesn't hide it, doesn't hide it like others do, like she used to when her superiors would react to her achievements just as Ava is doing at that exact moment. He's more than happy to hand over the folders that contain his and the reports of the other agents evolved in the mission, more than happy to just give her the tightest smile when she takes them from his hands. This time, the man is the one giving her a curt nod before he excuses himself, turns on his heel and scurries away just like Gary used to when he first became her underling.

 

There's eyes on her and she can feel it. A quick glance around the room and she finds the culprit, right by the coffee machine. It's a red-haired woman, with green eyes, that Ava had caught staring her down more times than she could count but had never been bothered enough to do something about. Sara had, once. It had been amusing to find out she was capable of being jealous, and even more to see the poor woman excuse herself out of the room when Sara had produced a throwing knife from her calf. That particular episode had ended with them in Ava's office, on Ava's desk, Ava kissing Sara senseless until she wasn't able to articulate anything more than gasps and shuddering moans.

 

She wants to shake her head at how her thoughts always seem to have this inclination to drift towards Sara Lance. She doesn't and instead purses her lips into a thin line, turns around to face the elevator doors and shoves the folders under her arm without a care. The green eyes are still on her when the doors finally open and she steps inside, presses the top floor button and leans back against the pristine metal railing. Ava lets out a breath, one of relief, when the doors slam shut and she is alone and away from prying eyes. Her head rests against the cool metal and her eyes close on their own accord as the car begins its ascending towards her destination. Somehow it doesn't stop between floors this time, somehow it just keeps going up and up and she's more than happy for the small moment of peace and quiet.

 

Gary's worried face comes into view the exact moment the elevator _'dings'_ and her eyes open again, as does the elevator doors. He looks nervous, hands fidgeting in front of him, eyes darting between her and the hallway that leads to her office. Her gut immediately tells her something is up, that something is wrong; but she pushes it down quickly because her anxiety is making her read too much into it and Gary has always acted like this around her anyway.

 

The second she's out of the elevator she pockets her phone and the endless questioning beginnings.

 

They walk side by side at a steady pace, a string of questions and exclamations of worry leaving his mouth one after the other. She's mildly aware of the agents behind the desks shooting them glances as they pass, trying and failing to look nonchalant but probably wanting to know the answers to the questions themselves. Ava rolls her eyes and doesn't say a single word, no matter how much she wants to tell him to just shut up. They are at a fairly crowded area of the Bureau and obviously she doesn't want to make a scene; so she ignores him, does her best to, at least until they reach the safety of her office, where she can finally put him in his place. She may have shared things with him that were too personal but that sure as hell doesn't give him the right to just go up to her and _demand_ answers, especially when they are still director and subordinate inside those walls.

 

Except that when Ava finally turns the corner and feels that sweet relief of being this close to her office, it disappears the moment her eyes land on a certain blonde woman. She stops on her tracks and the folders she was holding under her arm fall to the floor. Gary nearly trips on himself trying to avoid bumping into her but he fails, knocking into her shoulder and she barely registers it, barely registers his quick apology because Sara Lance is in her office, on her desk and her eyes are on her.

 

Ava opens and closes her mouth a few times but she can't seem to be able to formulate more than half a sentence in her mind, let alone voicing them. Even when she finally manages to find her ground and her voice again, all that leaves her lips is a string of broken words that sound like nonsense to her ears. She is suddenly aware of the small audience that has gathered just a few meters behind them, the whispers just loud enough to bounce in the small hallway and reach her. Ava hears Gary trying to hush them, trying to get them to go away before she notices; but she does and that's what snaps her out of her stupor.

 

She turns, too suddenly for Gary to even register, and sees his eyes and mouth going wide the moment she reaches for the lapels of his coat, yanks him from his spot and pushes him against the wall. She narrows her eyes dangerously and he seems to notice it, despite the shades obscuring the view. Ava hears the agents that had gathered nearby immediately dispersing, their footsteps half concealed by the carpeted floor. She's glad their audience is gone but now she's contemplating what to do with Gary, contemplating how he had forgotten to mention that Sara Lance is inside her office.

 

It's mildly satisfying to see the way he shrinks further into himself as she continues to stare at him. Gary opens and closes his mouth like a fish, eyes the size of saucers, and in other circumstances Ava might even have laughed. But she can feel her patience beginning to wane the more time ticks by and he still doesn't get a single word out.

 

So she tightens her grip on him and clenches her jaw so hard it’s almost painful, face towering above his, and he immediately closes his mouth.

 

“Did you let Sara Lance into my office, Gary?” Her voice is low and has just enough edge to sound dangerous, and she’s pleased that at least that is going right. She's not actually going to hurt him, no matter how angry she is, but he doesn't need to know that - she just needs him to believe it.

 

Luckily, it has the desired effect, and she immediately hears Gary swallow loudly. “Uh...” he begins, voice pitched higher than usual as he hesitates. He seems to be weighing his options, eyes darting rapidly between her and her office, and that makes her wonder if Sara had threatened him with bodily harm to get in. “…Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, I - I let Captain Lance into your - your office.”

 

He winces, and she finds it surprising that there isn’t an apology attached to his answer. Had this been Gary's doing after all?

 

“You don’t think you should have mentioned that fact to me the moment I set foot on this floor?”

 

“Maybe...?”

 

Ava tightens her grip, not satisfied with his answer, and he squirms again.

 

“I mean yes! Yes, I absolutely should have, and I'm very sorry, Director Sharpe, but - but if I told you, you would have just left without talking to her! You - you seem to have been… avoiding Captain Lance these past couple of days. Sort of. Maybe.”

 

“Yeah I would. And you know why, Gary? Because, that woman over there,” her left hand releases the fabric of his coat to point a finger in the direction of her office before letting out a breath through her nose, “She broke up with me, and I honestly don’t care what she has to say.” She didn’t intend to actually say those words out loud, but apparently she’s done it anyway, to Gary of all people.

 

Ava doesn't mean for it to come out as harsh as it does, nor does she mean for her voice to falter at the end, but it does and Gary notices. He opens his mouth and furrows his eyebrows in confusion, a flash of doubt and sadness in his eyes, and Ava almost stamps her foot in frustration.

 

“Wait, you guys broke up? But I was shipping you so hard! You can't-”

 

“Gary, focus!” Ava snaps at him, and her free hand goes right back to gripping his lapel. He clamps his mouth shut instantly, eyes wide, and though it really doesn't feel right to be taking it out on him like this, she needs answers only he can provide. “Why did you let Sara into my office?”

 

“Sara - I mean, Captain Lance, she asked me to let her know when you were coming back into work. She - she seemed really worried when she figured out you were, well... missing.” Gary pauses for a moment. “So, I promised to keep an eye out and… message her if you did show up. Which you just did! And - and she's here too, so that's - great! You guys can talk things out.”

 

His face lights up as he says the last part, eyes shining excitedly, and then he actually leans closer with an eager smile on his lips and lowers his voice conspiratorially. “It's not like soulmates can be mad at each other forever, right?”

 

Ava recoils away from him like his words have physically burned her. Her hands let go of his coat and she takes a few steps away until her back hit the wall. He seems startled by her sudden reaction but doesn't move from his spot.

 

She takes her sunglasses off and her gaze lingers unconsciously on the bandage around her pinky finger. She hadn’t bothered changing it in days, unwilling to see the mark underneath it, and she quickly tears her eyes away and stashes her sunglasses away in her coat.

 

Gary is still looking at her when she looks up, and she knows instantly that he's noticed the wariness there now that her eyes are no longer hidden. The day has only just started and she's already feeling so exhausted and defeated, and that's when she catches a glimpse of movement from the corner of her eye.

 

She’s almost forgotten about Sara.

 

Ava chooses not to say much, afraid of the possibility that Sara could come out of her office to see what's going on. Keeping her voice low enough that only Gary can hear her, she half-whispers, “Sara is not my other half.” It's a statement, and she says it with finality, hoping that he gets it and won’t press any further.

 

His brow furrow, his face is full of disbelief and indignation, and of course he opens his mouth to protest. “But she has a-”

 

That’s when Sara’s voice effectively interrupts whatever he had been about to say.

 

“Ava… can we talk? Please? It's - it’s important.”

 

Ava hesitates. Even though her brain was screaming at her to just turn around and walk away, her body was refusing to move. There was no way in hell she was ready to be in the same room as Sara, not when she had made it so abundantly clear that they couldn't continue their relationship, that Ava deserved someone 'better than her’.

 

She opens her mouth to try telling her that, to say anything that would get her out of this situation, but there was something off about Sara, something unusual in the way she was leaning against the door frame like she was failing to act nonchalant. The tone of her voice was pleading when she addressed Ava, and her eyes had softened considerably when they met hers.

 

When she found herself taking a step forward, Ava was surprised. Still, she keeps moving, narrowly avoiding stepping on the folders that were still scattered on the floor. She barely registers Gary diving down to quickly gather the discarded papers, too focused on the way Sara flashes her a tight smile and holds the door open.

 

She enters her office and immediately takes a seat at her desk while Sara stays standing by the now closed door with an unreadable expression on her face, her arms crossed above her chest. They don't say anything, and Ava desperately wants the other woman to take a seat and hopefully get on with whatever she has come to say, but she knows her well enough to know that pushing her would be a mistake.

 

So she waits, eyes trained carefully on Sara’s face and taking in the micro expressions flashing across the woman's face, trying to figure out exactly why she was even there in the first place.

 

Time stretches on, and when she finally does speak, Ava is nowhere near prepared for the words that leave her mouth.

 

“Ava, look I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did, I shouldn't have-”, she hesitates, but when she continues her voice is earnest. “I shouldn't have… pushed you away like that.”

She takes a few steps forward until her legs touch the desk, and her blue eyes are glistening in the artificial lights, broadcasting a storm of emotions. Ava nearly forgets how to breathe. “I'm not going to lie, I've missed you. I thought what I was doing was for the best, but now - I see how wrong I was. I hope you can forgive me.”

 

Ava is completely speechless, her thoughts hazy after such a revelation. Vaguely aware her mouth is hanging open, she tries to speak but finds that no words come out, like they were stuck somewhere in her throat behind the knot that was just beginning to form. Sara chews on her bottom lip, suddenly looking small and unsure as the seconds tick past, and her eyes flicker between Ava and the hands she has lying on the surface of the desk. “I'm sorry, this… might have been a mistake. I can see you're still upset and I should probably just leave-”

 

“No!” Ava exclaims suddenly, clearing her throat when Sara raises her eyebrows in surprise. “No, please stay.” It comes out softer this time, more like a plea than she had meant it to sound. “I'm sorry, I just didn't expect you to... apologize.”

 

“I've been known to occasionally deliver apologies, Director Sharpe,” is what Sara says in response, a teasing edge to her words, and it only serves to make the knot in Ava’s throat tighten further.

 

Maybe it's the familiarity of it, or maybe it's the adoring gaze Sara gives her right then that finally gets her mind to catch up with what was really happening, with what Ava had done. Here was Sara Lance, openly admitting she had missed her and asking for her forgiveness, when Ava was the one who had spent those past days in a drunken stupor, in bed with some ex she hadn't seen in years. Her stomach twists painfully, her body starts to shake and her vision begins to blur with tears. She tries to blink the wetness away before Sara could notice, hoping to even out her breathing like she wasn't in the middle of a full breakdown. But it was all for naught.

 

She notices, because of course she does, eyebrows immediately scrunching up in concern. Sara pushes herself away from the desk and takes a few careful steps to go around it, to get closer to Ava, and ends up kneeling down next to the chair she was occupying. Ava notices through the stray tears that managed to escape her eyes that Sara is looking at her with uncertainty, like she wants to reach out but is not sure she's allowed to. It takes a few heartbeats but then Sara's right hand is moving up, moving towards Ava's cheek, but before it can reach its goal Ava's own hand grabs onto her wrist and halts the movement. Sara seems taken aback by the action and the intensity of Ava's gaze. “Don't”, she unsteady says, “I don't deserve it, Sara.”

 

She watches Sara's gaze bouncing between the hand holding her wrist and her eyes, brow furrowed. There's a whole lot of emotions that flash in her blue eyes during that time, hurt and confusion being the main ones. It changes suddenly, something akin of realization taking over. “Ava,” she begins quietly, her voice levelled. “Did something happen? While you were away?”, quickly adding right after, “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.”

 

Ava snaps out of her reverie, realizes what she was doing with a start and instantly retracts the hand gripping to Sara's wrist. She barely misses the eyes that linger on the dirty bandage around her pinky finger and hastily stands up, shooting Sara an apologetic glance as she does, and tries to put as much distance between them as it was physically possible. It's hard to miss the flash of hurt that momentarily crosses Sara's face as she stands up as well and begins rubbing at her wrist.

 

It only adds more to the guilt she was already feeling.

 

A shuddering breath escapes Ava the moment her back makes contact with the wall next to her office's door and she allows herself a minute to close her eyes, to gather her thoughts and hopeful summon the courage to say what she has to. She wasn't sure if Sara already having an idea about something happening during those days she was gone was a good or a bad thing, and if made things easier or more difficult. It felt more like the later. Somehow she was now so sure that Sara was already passing her judgement, already running a check on all the possibilities. She was probably assuming Ava had killed someone, by how long she was taking to speak her mind.

Ava wished that was the problem.

 

When she opens her eyes again, she sees Sara still patiently standing next to the desk, arms hanging limply at her sides. Watching. Waiting. Her expression is unreadable but her posture seems mostly relaxed, aside from the tension she can clearly spot on her shoulders. It was like she was bracing for impact.

 

“This days I've been gone I-,” she finally says and swallows hard, finding it difficult to voice everything all at once. She then tries for a different approach. “If we are being honest with each other right now, you really hurt me when you said you didn't want me.”

 

Sara instantly frowns at her words. “Ava, I never said I didn't-”

 

“Please, let me finish or I won't be able to say what I need to say.” She's surprised when Sara just nods in understanding. It's almost too much but she soldiers on. “I was lost and hurt and I didn't want to come back to a place that reminded me so much of you; at least until I had enough time to... process what happened.” Ava pauses to let out a breath through her nose and to quickly wipe at her eyes. “So I ended up calling my ex in Vegas.”

 

She lets the implication behind those words sink in for a moment. It doesn't take long for the telltales of realization to begin to show on Sara's face. The way her eyebrows slowly raise and the way her eyes widen slightly, coupled with the a small _'oh'_ that escapes her pink lips not even a second later are pretty telling. Sara seems to consider everything for a moment but her posture doesn't change, doesn't become defensive and her expression actually softens, her eyes filled with nothing but understanding. Ava notices the tight but earnest smile and it's maddening to realize Sara was telling her, without putting it into words, that it was okay. That she understood. And that she wasn't upset at all.

 

It was impossible to keep the frustration out of her voice. And even the hint of sarcasm. “Sara, I just told you I spent the last couple of days with my ex. What do you think we did during all that time? Played cards?”

 

That earns her a fraction of the reaction she had been expecting after her revelation. Sara instantly bristles and tilts her head slightly, eyes narrowing in annoyance, arms crossing above her chest. She has become defensive. “No, I understood the implication just fine.”

 

“And?”

 

Sara's voice raises an octave. “And what? What do you expect me to say, Ava? That I'm jealous? That I wish it hadn't happened?”

 

Ava rubs at her face in frustration, feeling it claw its way through her body. The motion does nothing to help. “I don't know, okay?! I don't know.” She tilts her head so she can focus on the ceiling to avoid Sara's gaze and exhales loudly through her nose, eyes closing. Her voice comes out softer this time, when she decides it's time for another round of honesty. “I expected everything else but understanding from you. So please, drop the act and yell at me so we can get this over with.”

 

Silence fills the room. It stretches on and on, entire minutes ticking by without a single sound, aside from the usual Time Bureau activity that carried on outside her door. A pair of heels clicking on the floor. The coffee machine beeping. The rustling of papers. Gary pacing nervously just around the corner – Ava almost rolls her eyes at the last one.

 

It's easier to let her mind wander, easier to forget for even just a moment that Sara is still in the room with her. But she is and Ava knows it, knows there's a pair of piercing eyes watching her from somewhere in the room.

 

Her eyes shoot open when something soft and warm suddenly touches her cheek, body jerking to get away the moment she realizes Sara has moved and is now standing right in front of her, with that same understanding expression as before. But there is nowhere to go, nowhere Sara won't follow anyway, thus Ava chooses to avert her gaze instead, looking everywhere but at the other woman. It's no easy task particularly when both of Sara's hands come to rest on her cheeks, gently tilting her head down. “Hey, look at me.”, she pleads and that's when Ava knows she can't avoid those blue eyes any longer.

 

Their gazes meet and it's like the entire room disappears, leaving just the both of them standing together in their own little bubble. Sara begins moving her thumbs gently in a soothing motion, caressing her cheeks and Ava can feel her entire body instantly relaxing in response to the touch. Her breathing is still uneven and her pulse is unsteady at best but part of it is due to the proximity of their bodies and from the way Sara's eyes keep darting to her lips. She thinks Sara may actually kiss there and then but it doesn't happen; she's honestly not sure if she's more disappointed or glad it doesn't.

 

It's getting tougher and tougher to remind herself of what she'd done, especially with Sara standing _this_ close and looking at her like _that._ It wasn't fair.

 

“Why are you being so nice to me?,” Ava asks after a few beats of silence, nearly in a whisper. “I'm the one who doesn't deserve you, Sara.”

 

Sara’s brow furrows as she reaches out to tuck a strand of hair that’s escaped Ava’s once-perfect bun behind her ear. Her hand moves back to cup her cheek when she’s done, gaze locking onto Ava's and she wants to cry, wants to throw her arms around Sara, wants to spend the rest of her life with her. Ava wants so many things. The wall against her back is literally the only thing keeping her upright, and she presses her lips together when her soulmark tingles, desperately clenching her right hand into a fist to try and suppress it. Predictably, it has no effect, so she pushes her forearms back against the wall, trying to hide the way she’s shaking. She doesn’t think she succeeds.

 

“Look… I know there’s more going on than what you’re telling me, and that’s - that’s fine,” Sara exhales, just a small breath of air that isn’t quite a sigh escaping before she pauses again, and Ava tries to stop the tears from gathering in her eyes. There’s no anger on Sara’s face, no sign of any ire, and it doesn’t make any sense. “Really, it is, I mean it,” Sara continues, “But… I need you to know that you're not alone in it, Ava. You have me.”

 

Ava is taken aback, blinking twice before hesitantly shifting her gaze to stare at her. No matter how desperately she wants the words to be true, there’s still too many doubts whirling through her mind. “Do I?” she asks quietly then, unable to control the way her voice breaks.

 

Something flashes in Sara’s eyes, something soft and caring and utterly confusing, and Ava wishes she had time to figure out what it means. She wishes she had time to learn absolutely everything about her, even though she knows a desire like that is foolish at best.

 

“Ava…” Sara whispers, the tips of her fingers gently stroking the skin of her cheekbone like she’s unaware of the motion, and Ava can’t stop herself from leaning into it anyway. It’s quiet around them, with only her heartbeat disrupting what would be total silence. The muffled hum of Time Bureau activity beyond her door is missing, and Ava figures that the way her pulse is pounding in her ears must be blocking it out. It doesn’t help that the way Sara says her name echoes through her mind, the sound of her voice growing to encompass everything until she speaks again and effectively cuts through all of it.

 

“Yeah, you do,” Sara murmurs, fingers dancing lightly along the line of Ava’s jaw, and the touch grounds her. “Of course you do.”

 

Ava doesn’t say anything, can’t say anything, and she doesn’t even know when Sara had gotten so close, but that’s the moment Sara leans in and kisses her. Something in Ava reacts with a surge of emotion, and she gasps. Sara kisses her like the world is ending and they’re about to crumble to dust, like not only is this her last moment on this Earth, but this is the way she’s determined to spend it. She kisses her like she’s her lifeline, her shelter in a storm, her guiding light, and Ava instinctively kisses back, sinking into it and matching the desperate emotions pouring out of her without stopping to think about it. Her hands unconsciously reach out for Sara, fingers tangling in the material of her soft blue long sleeve, and she’s overcome with the childish thought that maybe if she keeps clinging to the other woman like this they won’t be separated.

 

Something in the back of her mind keeps screaming that this is wrong, that she shouldn’t be allowing herself this moment, but this is Sara Lance. This is the woman who had crashed into her life with no warning, effortlessly barging right into her very heart and soul. There is no resisting Sara Lance, not for Ava at least. Maybe there never really has been. One of Sara’s hands is curling around the back of her neck, pulling her closer while the other one stays on her cheek, and Ava has no idea how to handle the overwhelming surge of emotions that this unlocks. Knowing that it might very well be the last time they do this, Ava commits every detail to memory. She doesn’t realize she’s started crying until Sara breaks the kiss and pulls away. Her vision is blurry through the tears, but she knows that Sara hasn’t gone far when she feels her rest her forehead against hers.

 

“I'm admitting something that could save us both,” is what Sara says, and her voice is so quiet and full of emotion that Ava’s heart seizes up.

 

She feels it coming, feels it in the way Sara's hands are cradling her cheeks and feels it in the way her heartbeat speeds up against Ava's chest, feels it in the way Sara's body tenses and relaxes the moment those three words leave her lips, finally out in the open.

 

“I love you.”

 

Ava stops, and time stops, and maybe the whole world does too.

 

Sara Lance… loves her.

 

Sara Lance _loves_ her.

 

She’s gone and said the same words Ava had thought about voicing countless times before, the same ones that have kept her awake more nights than she’s proud to admit while lying by Sara's side.

 

Ava should have known this was going to happen, that it was just a matter of time. Sara had fallen in just as deep as Ava had, and now... now Ava knows she has to end it. No matter how much she wants this, no matter how strongly her heart is telling her not to, she has to end it. She simply can't give in to this woman.

 

After all, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. She always knew that allowing Sara to get this close could only lead to one thing, and still she chose selfishly, clinging to the warmth of Sara’s embrace. They're playing tug-of-war with the strings of their hearts now, and Ava has to pull harder, has to be stronger. She can’t just hold her own, she has to _win_. It's the only way.

 

So she lets her hands slip away from Sara's warmth and drops them limply to her sides, hanging her head. This is not what winning feels like.

 

Sara notices the sudden absence of her touch and pulls away, just enough so she can meet Ava’s eyes with her own. There's confusion there, a small edge of hurt combined with a deeper pain, but there's also determination, something stubborn flaring up like she’s preparing to fight.

 

Ava doesn’t know why, but one thing she does not see is surprise, as if Sara had been expecting Ava to react this way, had been expecting her to pull away and close herself off after this revelation. The thought only makes her heart sink farther. This isn’t the type of person she’s supposed to be.

 

Then again, what does Ava know about the person she’s supposed to be? She is the one who foolishly pursued a relationship with a woman who had a soulmark, while Ava had none. And now? Now she had been the selfish part of her past relationship, that selfish part that desperately clung to someone who truly wasn't hers and never would be, if the ink on her finger had anything to do with it.

 

That line of thought only hardens her resolve. No matter how much Ava feels like giving in again, she knows she can’t - this is what has to be done.

 

So she looks Sara in the eye, even with the tears still rolling down her cheeks. Her vision is hazy, her body is trembling, and she's struggling to even keep herself upright. Everything slowly starts to go numb as an eerie sort of calm descends over her body, and she barely registers that it all seems to originate from the pinky finger on her right hand. Her breath evens out, and the only thing she can hear is a heartbeat, steady and strong – she's not sure if it's hers, or Sara’s, or maybe even both.

 

This is what she has to do.

 

Ava opens her mouth, and the words that come out are meant to be firm, meant to cut, meant to be as sharp as Sara's daggers. They’re not meant to be small, and they’re not meant to shake, but they do.

 

She knows these words are true, and she knows they need to be said, but as they leave her lips, as steady as she can manage, that knowledge does nothing except destroy whatever pieces are left of her heart.

 

“There's no me to love.”

 

Ava sees the way her words manage to catch Sara off guard when a look of complete disbelief is all the response she gets. It doesn't last long however because next thing she knows the fire is back in Sara's eyes and she's more then ready to fight back, to show Ava just how wrong she is.

 

And that's when she knows she needs to finally put some distance between them again.

 

Her trembling hands reach up to pry Sara's gently away from her face, never breaking eye contact as she does. She feels and hears the way Sara's breath catches on her throat when the movement happens, and the way she holds her breath until Ava lets her fingers slide away and Sara's hands fall limply at her sides.

 

There's a storm of emotions raging again behind Sara's blue eyes but this time Ava doesn't linger to watch it all unfold like she'd done earlier. She can't. She won't. So before Sara can even think to get a word out Ava is pushing herself away from the wall, away from her.

 

She manages a few unsteady steps until she has to place her hands on the smooth surface of her desk for support, unintentionally winding up in the exact same spot Sara had placed hers. The hand prints linger, the outline of Sara’s fingers just barely visible underneath Ava's own, and she suddenly has the urge to scream and scrub those marks away, just like she wishes she could do with her soulmark.

 

Even though she can't see it, she can sure as hell feel it, the tingling sensation so present and noticeable, having only become more insistent since Sara kissed her. It serves to remind again her that this is the right thing to do.

 

It has to be.

 

Ava keeps her back to Sara, hoping that the other woman will get the message and leave. Her eyes are trained on one of the commendation awards she has framed on the wall, Sara’s reflection barely visible in the polished glass, and Ava bites down on the inside of her cheek. She can’t see much, but the image is clear enough that Ava can see that Sara has turned around and is looking at her feet. It makes her look so small, suddenly so lost and vulnerable that all Ava wants to do is turn around and wrap her up in a hug.

 

Sara shifts, moving like she intends to step forward but aborting the motion at the last second, and Ava isn’t used to seeing her so hesitant. Her gaze is trained somewhere in the space between them, and when Ava instinctively drops her head to follow it, she spots her finger wrapped in the tattered bandage.

 

Trying to suppress her pained grimace, Ava draws her hand closer to her body, pressing it against her stomach and hiding it from view before sucking in a shuddering breath and returning her gaze to Sara’s reflection.

 

A few moments pass, and when Sara lifts her head, Ava can see as clear as day just how hurt she really is. It quickly becomes too much to bear, so she averts her gaze from the polished glass and then closes her eyes, praying to every deity out there that Sara will leave, that she'll just walk away and spare both of them from experiencing further pain. That numbness from before is returning, full force this time, and the bitter thought of telling Sara to just go is swimming in her mind. She doesn't want to be mean, doesn't want to drive the dagger any deeper, but the fear that she might wind up doing it anyway grows as minutes tick by and the other woman still stays.

 

Sara's voice cuts through the silence and Ava can so clearly hear the emotion behind it. “Ava.” She hears her take a small step closer but luckily no more than that, before she speaks again. “Don't do this. Don't...”, she hears her hesitate, like she's trying to find the right words. “Don't shut me out.”

 

It's like her heart is suddenly encased in ice the moment she opens her eyes and turns around to face Sara, with nothing but sharp steel and finality in her gaze.

 

“Just go”, she says and she's surprised when her voice doesn't waver, doesn't break as the words leave her lips. Sara's eyes widen slightly when she registers what Ava is saying but still she doesn't make any effort to move. Ava is having none of that.

“I'm done.”

 

It's full of regret that she sees Sara's shoulders drop and the fight completely drain out of her eyes in no more than an instant. It takes everything and more for Ava to keep her eyes trained on the other woman, to keep her tongue in check, to not allow the apology from leaving her lips. It takes everything and more for her not to break down, to mourn the loss of a love that was just beginning to take root there and then. On the list of hard things she'd done in her life, watching Sara Lance's eyes begin to water as she turns around and walks towards Ava's door was, without the shadow of a doubt, the hardest.

 

Watching Sara's hand hesitate on the door handle before pushing it open and leaving was a close second.

 

**

 

Gary walks in not even five minutes later and places a new box of tissues, along with a bottle of water on top of her desk. He doesn't say a word, doesn't ask any questions, just sits across from her while she cries her eyes out against the palm of her hands.

 

She doesn't say it but she's thankful she's not alone.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

It takes two days for her to finally stop glancing towards the dirty bandage and finally find the courage to rip it off her pinky finger. Her house is quiet, aside from the sound of water running next door in the bathroom. She's covered in grime and mud from head to toe, from being tackled to the ground by an anachronism her team had been chasing in Victorian London. It was hard for her to face the other agents and admit she'd been distracted and caught off-guard, specially when Gary gave her a too knowing look and the expression on his face had morphed into one of worry.

 

Luckily no one batted an eye or said anything, everyone more than happy they had apprehended the fugitive and could finally head home.

 

She scrunches her face when she catches sight of herself in the mirror for the first time since arriving back home. Her hair is absolutely filthy and tangled, still half stuck in the bun that was now not as perfect as it should have been. There's smudges of dry mud on her cheek from where she'd landed face first into the soggy dirt and she has to suppress the urge to wipe it out there and then, least she wants to irritate the skin underneath. It's embarrassing really, to look herself down and imagine she'd been strolling through the Bureau dropping mud in the pristine carpet of her office not even fifteen minutes before looking like _that_.

 

Ava makes a mental note to order a review of all texts messages and emails sent during that time to make sure there were no pictures to document it.

 

The bathroom is full of steam by the time she gets into the reasonably large bathtub. The water is a bit warmer than she may have preferred it to be but she still sinks into it, feeling her sore muscles instantly relaxing. It take a long while to finally get all the grime and dirt out of her hair, her eyes catching the sight of her disgusting clothes lying in a pile on the floor. It's an easy decision to make, to just dump them in the trash can instead of bothering to wash them, especially when she notices the massive tear on the back of her one pristine white shirt.

 

It's only when she sits at the edge of her bathtub, waiting for the dirty water to drain away so she can rinse under the shower, that she finally has the courage to rip the damn bandage off.

 

She's far from prepared for the sight that greets her eyes when she does so.

 

The dirty thing slides off her hand the instant she notices that once straight lines that were inked in her skin have twisted and woven together to form a shape. Ava blinks once, then twice, then three times; rubs at her eyes and even pinches her side to make sure her eyes are not deceiving her. Her brow furrows when what she's seeing doesn't change and she decides that perhaps it's the bad lighting, along with the steam in the room, that is creating some sort of optical illusion.

 

And so she nearly slips on the floor and nearly trips on her dirty clothes, in her rush to leave the bathroom and enter the bedroom. She stands by the window and draws the curtain slightly open to let natural light in, something in the back of her mind telling her that her elderly neighbours may not appreciate the sight of her naked. Ava pushes that thought down and focus instead on the black lines drawn on her finger. Now that she can she see them properly, she makes out what seems like the outline of a sheath, decorated with quite the amount of detail. There's curls all around it, curls that remind Ava so much of waves crashing against a cliff.

 

She lets out a sob, free hand coming up to cover her mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks.

 

The soulmark is absolutely breathtaking.

 

Ava lingers and commits every detail to mind, her finger tracing every curve and every line until she's sure she knows them by heart.

And that's when her mind finally realizes something important: the sheath is empty.

 

There's no sword or dagger – she thinks it would be a dagger, considering the the height – sticking out from it, no intricate hilt to match the design. Ava's heart seizes with the weight of it, the weight of perhaps finally knowing what sort of soulmark whoever she's destined to be with has inked on their skin.

 

Sara Lance flashes into her mind for a moment and she immediately shakes her head. That's a chapter she'd close and didn't want to open again, the memory still too fresh along with the scars in her heart.

 

A shiver rakes her body and that's when she looks down on herself and has the decency of looking embarrassed. The curtain is pulled close and she rushes back into the bathroom, determined to finish cleaning up as fast as possible so she can order some take-out food and book a lengthy google search for the rest of her evening.

 

**

 

It's less than half an hour later and she's sitting on her couch, laptop resting on her lap, an open box of warm pizza by her side.

 

The first thing she learns is that soulmarks are absolutely unique. She remembers hearing that before and thinking it was nonsense but now reading the words and even seeing some pictures to prove it, she starts to believe that maybe, just maybe, it could be the truth.

The second thing is how they develop. Turns out her first assumption that everyone is born with one had been wrong. The article she reads, from a published and decorated investigator, explains how some people don't get their soulmark to show up until they meet what he calls _'the one'_. At that, Ava's mind immediately goes back to that day she first saw the small dot on her skin, the day she had ignored all her reservations about her job to go and save Sara.

 

She pushes the thought of _her_ down again and decides to just keep reading.

 

There's a few detailed paragraphs about how its believed soulmarks grow and develop the more the pair meant to be together interacts; there's also some that seem to contradict the first theory, especially in the cases when the identity of one them is unknown.

 

Ava doesn't know if she's feeling more glad or disappointed after reading that.

 

Next up she opens a second tab, having found a very cheeky website claiming to help people find the meaning of their soulmarks. Ava knows it's probably just a bunch of nonsense, much like the horoscopes on the newspapers and magazines, but she's curious and she did vow to find out whatever she could about her newly revealed soulmark. So she clicks.

 

It takes her some time to scroll through pages of pages of soulmark types and their meanings, until she finally lays eyes on the curved, italic letters, that read _Sheaths_.There's a picture of a soulmark that barely resembles hers, on what she assumes is most likely to be someone's shoulder blade. It's definitely larger and taller than hers and occupies quite the amount of space, despite the simple design it bares.

 

At least hers was easier to conceal than _that._

 

The description she finds underneath it explains, in a far too lengthy manner, that a sheath soulmark mainly means _protection_ and _home_. She almost rolls her eyes at it, that is until she reads how the person that carries such a soulmark was meant to be someone's shelter from the storm, someone's safety.

 

And that said someone had either a dagger or a sword inked on their skin, the height and length completely the exact size of the sheath, and the hilt just as intricate or bare as it's design.

 

Her first assumption about why the sheath was empty confirms itself.

 

Ava feels her mind pulling towards Sara for the third time that day and she slams her laptop close with a bit more force than what would have been necessary.

 

That was enough research for one day.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of episode 3x06
> 
> Also there's a trigger warning here for a Panic Attack. If that makes you uncomfortable or triggering, skip ahead.

Two weeks pass and she doesn't see Sara Lance. Ava has been on the field more times than she perhaps should have, the stack of paperwork that has began to pile up on her desk a testament to that. The Legends have been keeping a lower profile than usual, which was more worrisome than anything. Their anachronisms weren't escalating any more, mostly because they would actually contact the Time Bureau for assistance if they thought there was even a slight chance things may get out of hand. She was glad for the sudden cooperation, if anything that's what she'd been wanting from the very start.

 

But now it feels unnatural.

 

The communications between Bureau affairs and the Legends are left for Gary to handle, under her guidance. And when she's the one who needs to actually do the talking, she's always greeted by the sight of Zari Tomaz, instead of their captain.

 

Ava couldn't blame Sara for not wanting to talk to her anyway. That's what she deserved.

 

She doesn't see Sara in the field either, but that's mostly due to her continuous avoidance of being in the same mission as the Legends. It was better this way, she rationalized.

 

Until one day it wasn't.

 

Ava had just finally started to make a dent on the insane amount of paperwork when a urgent call from the Waverider goes straight to her personal line. She frowns at first, wondering why Gary would forward a call when she gave him specific instructions she wasn't to be disturbed. She half expects him to show up at her door any second now, out of breath and spouting nonsense about how he really just _had_ to forward it and how _important_ it was for her to answer it.

 

But Gary never shows up; and that's when she realizes that whoever is calling her from the Waverider had Gideon hack straight into her personal line.

 

Sara comes to mind and it makes her anxious.

 

Ava reasons that even _if_ it's Sara than it may be a matter of life-and-death. So she takes a deep breath, puts on her best _Director Sharpe_ face and answers the call.

 

Zari's face comes into view almost immediately and the first thing she notices is that the woman looks worried. There's something in her eyes, something she can't immediately name but that makes her stomach instantly drop. Zari takes a moment too long to speak and that does nothing but fan the flames of worry inside her gut.

 

“Hey Ava”, she greets quickly. It feels off to hear Zari use her first name but she chooses to let it go, at least until she knows why the other woman is calling. “Look, I know you and Sara aren't... in good terms right now but me and the others thought you should know.”

 

She pauses and that's when Ava feels the ground disappear completely from under her feet and she's glad she's sitting down. She can't help letting the worry finally sink in and show in her features. Her brow furrows, her lips purse in a thin line and she's asking even before her mind has time to fully register it.

 

“Is Sara okay?”

 

Ava can see someone's shadow looming over Zari and for a split second she thinks this may all be some sort of sick joke, some ploy from the Legends _and Gary_ to get her to talk to Sara Lance. But then Ray Palmer's face comes into view and he looks just as worried as Zari does, if not more and she doesn't know what to make of any of it. Ava feels like yelling at them and demand answers but she's not about to lose her temper, not when something could really have happened to Sara. So she rests her hands on top of her thighs and clenches them into fists, blunt nails digging into her palms, and just waits.

 

It's Ray who ends up telling her what happened. It was him who was there and saw Sara Lance challenging Damien Darhk to a _sword fight_ from all things and it was him who rushed to her after Nora – who was apparently Damien's daughter – nearly sucked the life out of her. It's him that Ava wants to scream at but she doesn't because suddenly everything in her body is numb and she doesn't have the strength to do anything other than nod when they ask her if she would like to come on board of the ship and see Sara.

 

Sara, who could have died that day without Ava even knowing anything about it.

 

Ava stares at the black screen of her computer for a minute after the call disconnects, trying to process what's going. But before she'd even begun to make sense of what was really happening, she's rushing to her door, pulling it open and yelling for Gary, to let him know she'll be leaving for the day. He comes running in just as she opens a portal to the Waverider but Ava doesn't even spare him a glance or waits for him to start asking questions before she steps through into the bridge of the time ship.

 

Zari and Ray are standing by the steps that lead to the Captain's office and she spots Nate and Amaya not that further away, looking just as worried as the others are. They look surprised when they see her but don't say anything – which she's thankful for, instead just watching on.

The Waverider feels eerie quiet like this and it makes her uneasy, especially when she steals a glance towards Sara's office and finds it empty.

 

They lead her to the medbay without a word and she can feel her legs wanting to give out the closer she gets to it. Ava sees Mick leaning against the wall right by the door, beer in hand as usual, but his expression is gloomier. It's hard to miss the worry in his eyes when he looks at her and gives her a quick nod.

 

The door opens and she steps forward without hesitation, only to stop in her tracks and let out an audible gasp. Her right hand comes to cover her mouth as she takes on the sight of Sara Lance laying on one of the chairs of the medbay, her skin several shades paler than it should have been.

 

Tears gather in her eyes as Ray calmly explains, in more detail, what exactly happened, with Zari interjecting here and there about all the tests they'd ran with Gideon's assistance, the results they'd got and that it had been wiser, for Sara's sake, to place her in a comatose state to help her heal. Ava is sure there was more to it but after a while her ears just drowned out their conversation, her thoughts and attention completely focused on the woman laying there.

 

It takes some time for her to finally be able to pull herself together. It's reassuring to know that Gideon was confident Sara would make a full recovery, part of the worry she'd been feeling up until that point slowly evaporating.

 

It was soon replaced by frustration instead, and she frowns.

 

She should have known that Sara wouldn't leave Damien Darhk be, not after she'd pulled that stunt during the Viking's anachronism and Ava, of all people, had to come to her rescue.

 

But going as far as challenging the man _to a sword fight_? What had she even been thinking?

 

Ava doesn't remember even hearing Ray and Zari excusing themselves and leave, but when she finally tears her eyes away from Sara she finds herself alone in the medbay. It's comforting to know that they realized she'd need so time alone with their captain – and her thoughts.

 

She takes a few steps towards where Sara is and stops before her feet can carry her where she really wants to be. It's best to still keep an healthy distance between them. Her eyes briefly scan the screen behind Sara's chair that displays her vitals and it's not like she doesn't trust Gideon, but seeing the numbers all on the green was somewhat more satisfactory then to hear people telling her over and over that everything would be fine.

 

Her gaze flickers down and there's a pull, somewhere in the back of her mind, that is making her want to reach out and touch Sara, to see if her skin feels as cold as Ava thinks it may be. But she shouldn't. She couldn't. It would be completely out of line, given the circumstances. And so she makes a mental note to ask one of the Legends for a blanket to drape over Sara and crosses her arms above her chest, suddenly not trusting herself.

 

That edge of frustration is still ever present and that somehow makes it easier, gives her something to focus on other than the absolute need to care for the other woman. She knows Sara can't see the sharp look she's fixing her with but Ava wishes she could.

Although she doubts it would have had much effect, given that her eyes were currently full of unshed tears.

 

“What were you thinking, Sara?”, is the first thing that leaves her lips and she doesn't even bother keeping the emotion out of her voice. If the Legends and Gideon are listening in, so be it. “You could have gotten yourself killed! What then, uh? What would have happened to your team?! What would have happened to-”

 

_'To me'._

 

She stops herself from voicing what she really wants to. Ava has no right to do it and she knows it, having forfeit it the moment she pushed Sara away. She's the one who broke her heart and probably caused her to be this reckless – although given _this is Sara Lance_ , maybe she's not as guilty for that as she thinks she may be.

 

But it still feels that way, it does and it absolutely sucks, and she can't help but to blame the soulmark of her finger for it. Maybe they would have still been together. Maybe Sara would have talked to her about this. Maybe Ava could have been able to persuade her not to put herself in danger. But alas, there was no guarantee that Sara would have still been with her until then. Ava was pretty sure that if they had held onto each other that far, she would have eventually told and shown Sara her soulmark. Perhaps that would have made Sara show her hers – if she even had one – and they would have ended up parting ways anyway.

 

Ava has to remind herself to stop wondering about all the _'what ifs'_ and focus on the present. On what she can do.

 

And so she lets out a sigh and makes to move away, makes to take a few steps away from Sara and sit on the current unoccupied medchair; but Ava finds herself rooted to the spot instead, her eyes lingering on the other woman's still unnaturally pale skin and her heart clenches painfully. It's without even thinking that she strips down her jacket and moves closer to Sara, tucking it gently to cover her as much as she can. There's a split moment, while her head is leaning just a bit too close to Sara's face that she contemplates kissing her forehead. But Ava pulls back, pulls away before that impulse can take over.

 

It's only when she finally takes a seat on the empty chair that Ava really feels all the tension and frustration that had gathered in her muscles. She rubs at her face and then reaches behind her head to tug at the hairpiece keeping her bun in place, feeling her hair cascading down her back and shoulders in waves. A smile tugs at the corner of her lips when she remembers Sara saying that she looked better with her hair like that, but it fades just as quick as it appears. Ava's expression turns sombre again as her gaze flickers between Sara and the monitors behind her and she has to clasp her hands together on her lap to avoid starting to fidget.

 

Takes a few minutes, perhaps even a few hours – it's hard to keep track of time on a time ship - but some colour slowly returns to Sara's cheeks. Ava is practically laying on the chair she'd been sitting on when it happens and she can't help but smile at the small victory. She's exhausted, more exhausted than she cares to admit, the events taking their toll on her body. Ava doesn't want to sleep, doesn't want to overstay when she's not even sure if Sara would want her there, but she can't get her body to cooperate and _move_. Her eyelids grow heavy shortly after and she manages to convinces herself that resting her eyes for a bit wouldn't hurt, at least until she can get herself to portal home and get some actual rest.

 

Ava allows the gentle hum of the ship and the steady rhythm of the heart monitor to lull her to sleep.

 

**

 

When Ava opens her eyes again, the lights of the medbay have been dimmed considerably. It takes her a few seconds to realize where she really is and why she's there but then she spots Sara still laying on the chair across from her and she remembers. Her jacket is still draped over the other woman and it makes her frown, considering she's feeling quite snug and warm for not being wearing anything other than her white button up shirt.

 

That's when she notices that _someone_ had came into the medbay while she'd been asleep and draped a blanket over her.

 

Cheeks aflame by the thought of one of legends walking in and seeing her asleep, her first instinct is to bolt out of the chair, drop the blanket and portal home. Her second is to demand Gideon tell her who it'd been so she could go and threaten them with physical harm should they tell anyone what they'd seen.

 

All that evaporates the minute she spots the small metal table nearby, which she's so sure hadn't been there before, with a packed sandwich and a bottle of water on top of it. There's also a small piece of white paper with the items. Ava raises an eyebrow in confusion but nevertheless reaches for it with her right arm, not having to stretch that far until her fingers touch it. She brings it close to her face and squints to try and make out the scribbles in the low light. The first thing she notices is that there's two different calligraphies on the message, one of them which she recognizes as being Zari's. It's hard to tell who the other may belong to, but judging by the spacing and the way it was hastily scribbled down, Ava can confidently assume it belongs to one of the boys.

 

The first part of the message, in Zari's penmanship, reads:

 

_'Dear Ava,_

_We went to check on Sara earlier and noticed you fell asleep. We thought you looked kinda cute so we didn't want to wake you up. We also noticed (well Ray did) that you looked kinda cold, without your jacket and all (wink wink) so he went and got you a blanket. We also weren't sure when you would wake up so we got you something to eat and drink. If you need anything else just pop in the galley and I'm sure Gideon can whip you up something extra._

 

_Zari_

 

_P.S.: Remember if you want to kill someone over the blanket, Ray is your man. Not me, him. Thanks!'_

 

Ava almost snorts. Leave it to Zari to make absolute sure she knows who had been responsible for draping a blanket over her while she slept, least Ava thought of going after her for it. She shakes her head and scans the second part of the message, that had been written in a penmanship that she didn't recognize.

 

_'P.P.S.: I'm so sorry Director Sharpe please don't kill me I'm too young to die and okay I know you wouldn't really kill '-kill-' me because well I think Captain Lance wouldn't appreciate losing a very much valuable member of her team._

_Also if Mick asks I totally didn't steal that sandwich from him when he wasn't looking. But don't worry, it's totally safe to eat! He makes the best ones.'_

 

A warm spreads through her chest when she finishes reading the message, her gaze flickering towards the small table again. Ava hated to admit but it'd been sweet of them to be this accommodating and welcome towards her, despite what had transpired between her and Sara.

 

She'd almost forgot about _that._

 

The thought makes her frown and the paper slips out of her fingers, landing somewhere on the floor. Her mind begins to wonder if they know, if Sara had at least half clued them in on the reason why they'd broke up or if she'd choose to simply tell them that there were no longer together.

She wonders if they would be doing this if they actually knew the truth, if they would even bother calling her to let her know Sara was hurt.

 

Probably not. She would have probably still been at the Time Bureau by now, sitting behind her desk going through paperwork, without having a clue something had happened.

 

The same guilt she felt before, the same one she felt when she'd been at her office with Sara telling her those three words, hits full force once more and she suddenly can't breath. The blanket is just too soft, their gestures just too caring and being this close to the woman whose heart she'd broken to pieces was just too much.

 

Ava shouldn't be there. She had absolutely no right to.

 

It takes her a minute too long to get her legs to cooperate with her enough so she can stand up, carelessly chucking the blanket away from her as she does. Her eyes flicker momentarily towards her jacket but she can't find the courage nor has the energy it would take to grab it. So she bolts out of the room and into the hallway, her ragged breaths echoing against the walls, along with the sound of her heels. Ava's glad the lights are dimmed there as well and that the place is deserted, not eager to accidentally ending up bumping into one of the Legends.

 

Her tears are making her vision hazy but keeps walking, keeps taking unsteady steps, finding purchase on the walls along the way that seem far too close for comfort. The more she walks, the more she feels like she's being boxed in and it's doesn't help her current predicament.

 

Ava is more than glad when she reaches the bridge. The open space gives her the feeling she can finally _breathe,_ especially now that she put some distance between herself and Sara. She leans against the glass window of the captain's office almost instantly and allows the cold feeling of it to soothe her as it seeps through her shirt and cools her skin. Ava closes her eyes and start counting backwards, one of her hands moving to rest on her chest as she tries to get her breathing under control.

 

It takes some time but it works and suddenly she's at least calm enough to be able to formulate coherent thoughts again and remember the coordinates to her apartment. Ava opens her eyes and reaches for the time courier on her wrist, pressing all the right buttons on it to open a portal home.

 

Nothing happens.

 

A surge of panic rushes through her as she tries it again, with the exact same result. She tries one more time. And another. And another one. The outcome doesn't change, no matter what she does and Ava has no idea why the time courier is malfunctioning now from all times. It takes some effort but she moves from her spot, moves closer to one the few lights still on and brings her wrist up, so she can take a better look at the display.

 

It's blank.

 

Her brow instantly furrows as she tries to recall when was the last time she replaced the battery on it, the last time she charged it and how much battery she had left upon arriving on the Waverider. Everything points out to there been enough on it, enough for her to return home and even enough for her to go to work the next morning. So by all means, it made no sense for her display to be off, that is, unless-

 

Unless someone was blocking the signal. Someone inside the ship.

 

Ava fells like crying. Or screaming. Or even doing both things at the same time.

 

She doesn't. Instead she looks up, with all the calm she can muster, despite the situation she's in and how she's feeling, and deems that the right thing to do is to try and talk to the _one thing_ that could have been responsible for it.

 

_Gideon._

 

She calls for it – for _her –_ but gets no reply. She tries again, this time barely keeping the frustration out of her voice. Still nothing.

 

By the third time she's nearly screaming, desperation getting the better of her. Ava needs out, out of that ship, and she'd be dammed if she'd let an A.I. stand in her way of doing so.

 

It's a fight or flight situation and she technically chooses to do both.

 

Ava starts pacing like a caged tiger, eyes narrowed to slits as she goes through the whole lot of schematics of the Waverider in her mind. She'd known it would come in handy at some point, to have memorized the exact locations where critical systems were located, aside from all the little things that gave Gideon full control of the ship.

 

And the jump ship.

 

She wasn't too keen on the entire idea of hijacking it but the A.I. hadn't left her much of a choice. Ava would have preferred to simply cause a small blackout, just long enough to get her time courier to work. But with Sara unconscious in the medbay, that proved to be a risk she wasn't willing to take.

 

When she stops her pacing and turns towards the hallway, the one that would lead her towards the jump ship, she lets out a gasp of surprise. Amaya is leaning against the wall, arms crossed above her chest, expression completely unreadable under the dimmed light. She has her eyes trained on Ava, inspecting her from head to toe, and Ava suddenly feels self conscious about how much of a mess she must look.

 

Her eyes flicker to the glass wall closer to her and she grimaces. Yep, she looks just as bad as she feels.

 

The silence is deafening as it stretches on and on and both of them don't say a word. Amaya is still looking at her and she's looking right back, not breaking eye contact no matter how much her mind is screaming at her to do so. Ava hasn't really interacted much with her before but she knows that she's a good friend to Sara, she knows they confide in each other, and that makes her wonder just how much Amaya knows about what happened between them.

 

The way her eyes are narrowed and her jaw is set tells her that she probably knows _enough._

 

“You were trying leave.” It's not a question, it's a statement. _Amaya knows._

 

There's no point denying it and Ava knows it, knows that even if she goes and deflects and lies, Amaya probably heard her yelling at Gideon not even a few minutes earlier. “I was”, she says quietly and can't stop herself from adding, “I don't deserve to be here.”

 

Something shifts in Amaya's posture, her arms going slack until they're laying limply at her sides and Ava can see, even in the low light, that her gaze has softened. She doesn't move from her spot, not even when Amaya takes a few steps closer and stops just outside her personal space. The totem around her neck glisters in the low light, specks of gold almost immediately invading her vision, but it's the way that Amaya looks at her, with such understanding, that ultimately has Ava averting her eyes.

 

“You can't possibly believe that”, she murmurs a second later, to which Ava replies with a whispered and honest, “I do.”

 

It's Amaya's next words that have Ava meet her gaze again, her eyebrows raising in surprise and disbelief. “Sara would have wanted you to stay.”

 

A bitter laugh escapes Ava's lips at the thought and she shakes her head, quickly wiping a stray tear that'd managed to escape her eyes. “No, she really wouldn't. At least, not after what happened between us. After what I said to her.”

 

“What is it that you've told her that makes you believe that's the truth?”

 

Ava exhales loudly through her noise and wipes at her face, feeling the frustration settle in. There's absolutely no way Sara didn't tell Amaya about their conversation in her office that day and Ava has no desire to relive the entire thing, especially not with her. Not right now. “Look, let's be honest here. I'm sure Sara told you all about it”, she gives the woman a pointed look and narrows her eyes, her voice raising an octave as she continues. “So cut the crap. I'm not going to stand here and apologize, especially when I know Sara is better off without someone like me in her life.”

 

“Someone like what, exactly?”

 

It's a challenge. And a bait. Ava knows Amaya is just trying to bait her into saying more than she wants, more than she should. She knows her and Gideon probably worked together to trap her, to put her against the wall like this, to make her admit all the things she hadn't even thought about admitting out loud, let alone to herself.

 

So obvious it is and yet she still can't stop, won't stop, the words from leaving her lips.

 

“Someone who allowed Sara to push them away when she needed them the most. Someone who ran off to some ex they hadn't seen in years instead of fighting back. Someone who only recently developed a soulmark and has absolutely no idea _why_ or _how._ ”

 

Her voice breaks at the end and Amaya looks taken aback by the full admission. By the looks of it she hadn't been expecting a full confession like that out in the open and neither had Ava. The moment her brain catches up with what she'd said, panic immediately starts to set in. She averts her gaze and closes her eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay. Her entire body is shaking and she can feel her legs wanting to give out, her hands clenching into fists and her breathing is uneven. The only thing she can hear is her heartbeat and her rasped breaths, and Ava ends up completely forgetting there's someone else in the room when her thoughts become hazy.

 

There's a tentative touch on her arm and she flinches, tries to get away from it. Ava's vaguely aware someone is trying to talk to her but she's can't hear what their saying, can't get herself to open her eyes and face whoever that may be. All she wants is to leave, to go home, to the solitude and emptiness that she can only find inside her apartment.

 

But she knows she can't.

 

It's only when she feels two firm, yet gentle hands on her shoulders that she faintly registers someone is calling her name. It sounds drowned at first, like her ears are underwater, until she begins to focus on it. The more she does, the cleared and louder it becomes. Ava clings to it like a lifeline and when she finally, finally snaps her eyes open again, Amaya is standing right in front of her. She realizes the hands on her shoulders are hers, sees the understanding flashing in her dark eyes and feels herself immediately trying to avert her gaze, trying to close her eyes.

 

But Amaya doesn't let her. One of her hands moves to cup Ava's cheek, moves to tilt her head just enough so their gazes meet again. Soft reassurances leave her lips every so often but Ava can't really make out most of what's she saying through the pounding in her ears, aside from the word _'breathe'_.

 

It takes time but soon Ava can hear Amaya as clear as day again, when her breathing evens out and her heart doesn't feel like it's going to burst out of her chest any more. Her legs are about to give out but before they even do, Amaya is steering her towards the steps of the captain's office and helping her taking a seat. Not a second later she lets go of Ava and says something about water, returning shortly with a glass she carefully places in Ava's still shaky hands. Amaya doesn't let go until she's sure Ava won't drop it, until she's sure Ava has taken at least a few small sips from the cool liquid inside. Amaya takes a seat next to her then, not too close nor too far, and places a comforting hand on Ava's forearm.

 

They don't say anything for a while and Ava is more than glad for the silence. She momentarily wonder if Amaya has done this before, has woken up in the middle of the night to find one of the Legends – Sara most likely – having a full on panic or anxiety attack. Ava half wants to ask but decides against it, instead focusing on the hand that's resting on her arm to keep herself grounded.

 

When Ava feels like she can speak again, the first thing that tumbles out of her lips is a whispered _'sorry'._

 

She feels the hand on her arm squeezing it gently and Ava's eyes glance towards the touch. Amaya's voice reaches her ears not even a second later. “No need to be sorry, Ava, truly. This things happen sometimes, there's no need to apologize or feel embarrassed about it.”

 

Her voice sounds so earnest, so genuine when she says it, that Ava wants more than anything to just be able to believe her. But she can't, or at least not wholeheartedly, when there's something vile still whispering, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she doesn't deserves any of this. Ava briefly contemplates to just ask Amaya to let her go home, to let her stay away, at least until Sara is awake and she can hear, from her lips, that she truly wants Ava to be there.

 

Ava can't bring herself to and she doesn't really understand why.

 

The tingling sensation is back on her pinky finger and she can't help but to bring her hand up just enough so she can take a look at it. The blank lines are fairly visible, even in the low light, and she doesn't even know what possesses her to be exposing her soulmark like this. Sure, she'd decided there was no need to keep it concealed any more, but to be showcasing it so bluntly in front of someone else – other than Gary of all people – felt wrong.

 

Amaya shifts slightly next to her and Ava immediately makes to hide her hand away when she does, only to be stopped by the other woman's words. “Don't, Ava. It's absolutely beautiful.”, she breathes out and then adds, “Mine is nothing special compared to yours.”

 

“I'm sure that's not true.”, Ava says almost instantly, bringing her hand back to rest on her leg, palm facing up.

 

So Amaya shows her, shows her the lines that run down on the inside of the forearm of her left arm to form what appears to be the outline of a tiger's paw, if she had to take a guess based on the stripe pattern. Amaya is more than happy to share with her the story behind it and what it truly meant for her current relationship and Ava finds herself deeply sympathizing with her struggle. She hadn't been a stranger to being the one dating someone she wasn't meant to be with in the first place, and she feels liberated to be able to talk to someone who understands what that feels like.

 

They talk for hours and Ava doesn't even realize just how much time passed until all the lights turn on and she hears voices coming from the hallway. She's aware she looks worse than she had before so it's no surprise that when Zari and Ray show up around the corner, they stop in their tracks the moment they notice her - and Amaya. Nate comes bumping into them not even a second later, wondering out loud why they'd suddenly stop until he also spots her.

 

Zari and Amaya share a knowing look between them and then Zari is suddenly ushering the boys away, before focusing her attention on Ava. She comes to stand in front of her and extends her hands, palms facing up, and gives her a warm smile. Ava's eyebrows raise at the gesture but Amaya just squeezes her arm once again and stands up.

 

“Go with Zari, she will take you to find some clothes you can change to and get cleaned up, if you'd like”, Amaya pauses and bites her lip, suddenly looking unsure. “Unless you still want to leave.”

 

Zari frowns and opens her mouth, either to protest or ask about it, but Ava finds herself speaking before she can. “I could use a shower.”

 

It feels weird but she takes Zari's hands and allows the other woman to pull her up. Her muscles immediately protest when she's upright and she's unsteady on her feet, but Zari had clearly been expecting it and quickly places one of her hands on the small of her back.

 

“You good?”, she asks not even a second later and Ava just nods.

 

Amaya makes to move away then but Ava reaches for her arm with the hand that is not being held by Zari and stops her. “I- I just wanted to say thank you. For everything.”

 

The woman just shakes her head and offers her a warm smile, her eyes bright despite the clear lack of sleep. “Anytime you need, you know where to find me.”

 

With that she leaves, towards where the boys are really hard trying to pretend they were not listening in. Ava hears Amaya clearly scolding them as she and Zari leave the room, and has to suppress a chuckle when one of them – she thinks Nate – lets out an offended _'ow'._

 

Zari just shakes her head next to her, barely concealing a smirk. “This happens every Thursday.”

 

Ava knows it's actually Saturday.

 


	7. Chapter 7

An hour later and Ava is back inside the medbay, wearing a surprisingly comfortable sweater and a pair of sweatpants she'd borrowed from Zari. Her hair is still wet and tied in a messy bun, a few drops of water still dripping down once a while, but she doesn't seem to mind it that much. She's surprised to find that a small couch - of all things - had been brought inside for her to sit on, closer to were Sara was resting. The small metal table, the same one she'd seen the night before, had also been moved to be closer to the seat, its surface empty.

 

She stands rooted in place for some time, her eyes flickering between the new addition to the room and the unoccupied medchair, unsure where she should actually sit. Part of her fells like the small couch would be more comfortable, with the added bonus of allowing her to be right next to Sara; but she's still not sure if she should be that close to her, still not sure she should even be in the room with her, despite her feet having carried her to the medbay as soon as she'd finished getting dressed without a second thought.

 

The sound of the door sliding open nearly makes her jump out of her skin.

 

Ava places a hand above her heart and glances to the side, only to find Zari looking at her with an amused expression in her face, a tray with a steaming bowl of soup on her hands.

 

“Oh, it's just you”, she finds herself saying, more to herself than anything, a relieved breath escaping her lips soon after.

 

Zari looks even more amused than she did earlier, if that's even possible. “Yeah, I'm sorry I'm not Mick. I'm sure you would _love_ to have him catch you standing in the middle of the medbay like a scarecrow instead.” When Ava only frowns and the corners of her mouth twist in disgust, Zari shakes her head. “Relax, was just a joke. I'm pretty sure you'd prefer Ray anyway, with his _'Ava looks cold, I should get her a blanket'_ gallant attitude.”

 

Ava can't help the chuckle that escapes her at the absurdity of the statement and hears Zari do the same. It feels easier, natural even, to allow herself to let the Legends see her, _really see her,_ now that her chest is less heavier, less burdened, after her talk with Amaya. She's still a bit embarrassed and awkward but seeing them treating Ava like she's special, like Ava is one of them feels... endearing.

 

She doesn't notice she hadn't moved or said anything for a while until Zari awkwardly clears her throat and gestures to the small tray she's still holding. “Amaya thought you may want some food...?”

 

“Oh”, she lets out and almost on queue her stomach lets out an awful growling sound at the mention on food. Zari laughs and Ava feels her cheeks heating up with embarrassing. “I- uh, yeah t-thanks, I could indeed use some food right now.”

 

Ava makes to go towards the empty medbay chair but stops mid-step when Zari cleans her throat again. Ava frowns, obviously confused at why she'd done that, and when she looks up, she finds Zari giving her _a look_ , an eyebrow perfectly arched. Her dark eyes dart towards where Ava knows the small couch is located, before returning to her.

 

_Oh._

 

Of course, Zari wants her to sit close to Sara. Ava actually starts to wonder if it had been her idea to bring the small couch into the medbay in the first place, not putting it past the other woman to orchestrate such a thing.

 

The expectant look she's receiving makes Ava believe that she's right in her assumption.

 

It still doesn't feel right but she decides to humour Zari, at least for now, and changes course towards the small couch. Ava stands in front of it for a moment and then turns around, but before she can sink into the soft looking cushion, her eyes fall on Sara. The seat is much closer to her than Ava had anticipated, Sara's left hand just in reach for her to be able to grab it without having to so much stretch her arm out for it.

 

They've really given it a thought, she notes with some bitterness. Ava feels like turning around again and pushing the seat back slightly, just enough to be out of reach, but Zari is watching her, eyebrow still arched, head slightly tilted to the side, as if _daring_ Ava to even _try._

 

And so she doesn't. Ava doesn't even bother to try and finally takes a seat, letting out an annoyed breath through her nose when Zari just smiles sweetly at her. Ava watches then, with a childish pout on her face she really wishes she wasn't making, as the other woman moves to place the tray on the small metal table next to her.

 

Dark eyes darter to where Sara lays for a moment and Ava sees the corners of Zari's mouth dropping instantly, her expression turning sombre as she speaks. “I checked with Gideon earlier and she said Sara still needs to be in comatose for at least one or two more days. Things are taking a bit longer to mend than anticipated.” Zari's gaze flickers to Ava and she can see the sincerity in her eyes, and in her voice when she says the next words. “I'm glad you're here with her. We all are, actually. We know how important you guys are to each other, despite everything.”

 

Ava's eyes widen slightly in surprise, before she's shaking her head and starts fidgeting. “I'm still not sure Sara would want me here with her”, she confesses and notices the sympathetic look Zari instantly gives her. Ava chances a glance towards Sara at that moment, her chest warming up at the sight of her jacket still draped over the other woman.

 

There's a hand on her shoulder but she's doesn't bother looking up, not when there's tears gathering at her eyes again. “I'm sure she wants you here, Ava”, Zari says earnestly and squeezes her shoulder, before Ava feels her taking her hand back. There's an heartbeat of awkward silence until she hears Zari cleaning her throat and speak again. “I shall take my leave now so you can eat your soup in peace. If you need anything else just let us know.”

 

Ava hears Zari moving towards the door then and she can barely bring herself to drag her eyes away from Sara long enough to look at the other woman. The door is already open when she finally does, and she's surprised to find Zari standing expectantly on the doorway, like she just knew. A smile tugs at the corners of her lips, not fully there yet.

 

“Thanks Zari.”

 

It's honest, it's earnest and she hopes Zari notices.

 

She does.

 

“Anytime, Ava.”

 

**

 

The day drags on painfully slow but Ava doesn't seem to mind. She's feeling more and more comfortable the longer she sits with Sara, even if there's still a part of her brain that find it unsettling and wrong. She'd glanced towards Sara's hand, the one resting closer to her, multiple times, fighting the urge to reach for it and hold it more times than she could count. It helped that the Legends kept coming in to check on her captain – and her – once in a while.

 

Amaya shows up with a cup of tea and asks her how she's doing, and if she needs to talk. She sits and listens without judgement, reassuring Ava once more that it was really okay for her to be there with Sara.

 

Zari brings her a few snacks and sits with her for a bit, demonstrating just how many marshmallows she can fit in her mouth at once. It had been a... disturbing high amount.

 

Nate comes in mid-afternoon – or what passes for it inside the time ship anyway – and gives Ava two or three books that he thinks she may be interested in reading, to help her pass the time.

 

Ray rushes in, stammering something about checking in on his captain and wondering if Ava needs any more blankets. She could have sworn she'd heard Zari laughing outside when he runs out looking completely flustered.

 

Gideon talks to her as well, much to her surprise, giving her an update every three hours on Sara's condition. She apologizes profusely to the A.I. for screaming at her during the night and was happy to know there were no hard feelings there.

She's _less_ happy to hear, however, that her time courier would still remain not functional.

 

And Mick... Well, Mick walks in, nods at her, glances towards Sara, takes a sip out of his beer and walks right out again without saying a word.

 

There's looks of surprise when she shows up on the galley for dinner that night, even though Amaya had promised to bring her something to eat. It gives her an excuse to stretch her legs and take a breather, and she's more than happy to just sit there and listen to the Legends bicker between themselves about all sorts of little things. She'd only sat with them once before, after a mission, when Sara had insisted – an pouted for good measure – that she stayed for dinner. But now it feels different, to sit there without Sara as a buffer to keep them from asking too many questions about Ava and the Time Bureau.

 

So when Zari suddenly turns to her and asks why Ava has someone like Gary as her assistant, she's more than glad to answer and even laugh along, when Nate starts to make terrible impressions of poor Gary – who turns out had been contacting the Legends non-stop _demanding_ to talk to Ava ever since she'd left her office, to make sure she was okay. They'd told him she needed some days off to deal with some _personal matters_ and it seems like he had left it at that, which was a surprise.

 

She lingers in the galley for longer than she had originally planed to, so when it's time to call it a night, she has to sit there, with a warm cup of tea in her hand, awkwardly refusing their offers to find her somewhere to bunk and get some sleep.

 

Ava is sure she hears _a snicker_ when she says she would just take the empty medchair.

 

**

 

During breakfast the next day, Gideon informs everyone she's taking Sara off sedatives, which means she would wake up on her own at some point. It makes Ava bite down at her lip with worry, despite the warm feeling in her chest at the thought of seeing Sara's beautiful blue eyes again. Amaya must have noticed because her hand comes to rest on Ava's forearm and gives it a reassuring squeeze, and when Ava meets her eyes she flashes her a warm smile.

 

But still the worry lingers, at the pit of her stomach, but not for Sara's well being this time. She would wake up. She would be fine. She would tell Ava to go.

 

And Ava didn't think she was ready to be out of her life again.

 

Ava takes refuge in the medbay for the rest of morning, aimlessly flipping through the pages of the monthly edition of some fashion magazine from the twenty-third century. The colour schemes are... bizarre, to say the least, the cuts quite like they'd been designed by some kindergarten four years old. But it keeps her busy, keeps her from reaching out to the hand resting so close to her own, keeps her from even thinking about doing so.

 

Or so she wants to believe, since her eyes keep flickering to Sara's hand almost every five minutes.

 

_Not that she's counting._

 

Lunch time comes around and she can tell that the air in the galley feels different the moment she crosses the threshold. Her first clue is when the Legends immediately seize their conversation the second they spot her; the second is the five pair of eyes that she feels on her person as she moves to the food processor to get some food. And when she turns around again and glances about the room, they all pretend to be looking somewhere else or even busy with something random, like their nails or Zari's hair that feels just ' _so smooth'._

 

She knows them well enough by now, at least she likes to believe she does, so she's about ninety nine percent sure they want something from her. Either that or they've done something _bad_ , and she's frankly not sure which of those opinions is more terrifying.

 

Ava knows that in her current dress state she doesn't look as intimidating as she might have if she was wearing her pant-suit and her hair didn't look like a bird's nest, so it's a challenge when she straightens her posture, places one hand on her waist, the other resting on the cool surface of the counter. Ava's eyes are slightly narrowed when she scans the room and she knows they have noticed her change of demeanour the second they start to shoot weird looks among themselves, as if they're having a silent conversation.

 

It goes on for minutes and Ava feels her patience start to drain, especially when the Legends are not even trying to be subtle any more. There's hand gestures – some rather threatening -, arms waving frantically, obvious head tilts towards where she's standing... Only Mick seems completely unbothered by what's going on in the room where he stands, leaning against the far wall, eating a sandwich.

 

Ava wonders briefly if she should just ask him. And if he would even tell her if she did.

 

More minutes drag on and her fingers start to tap on the counter top out of habit. Her food is getting colder, and she has to bite down on her cheek to stop herself from yelling at them when her leftover patience reaches critical levels. The situation is absolutely going nowhere, Ava knows, unless she does something about it. And so she does, she cleans her throat, loud enough to get their attention and is pleased when it works. All movement seizes and suddenly there's eyes on her again, albeit still no one says a word.

 

As expected.

 

She rolls her eyes. “Can someone just tell me what's going on before I lose the little patience I have left?”, It comes out a bit harsher than she had intended, so she quickly adds in a more softer, almost pleading tone, “Please.”

 

The Legends share some looks between themselves again and she thinks they may start the entire thing all over; but thankfully Nate stands up from his seat, shares a quick nod with Amaya and turns to face Ava, a serious look in his eyes.

 

“We wanted to ask you if you'd be willing to take point with us on a mission.”

 

Ava's eyes widen at his words, her mouth opening and closing but no words come out. There's no way she'd hear that right. There's absolutely no way the Legends want to go and tackle an anachronism while Sara is still laying unconscious in the medbay. There's absolutely no way they are actually asking for her help with it either. There's absolutely no way-

 

Amaya suddenly stands up, probably having noticed her entire inner debate, and starts to walk over to where Ava is standing as she speaks. “What Nathaniel is trying to say is that we don't think Sara would like us to be sitting around, doing nothing, while the entire timeline is at risk. And...”, she pauses when she reaches the counter and leans against it, forearms on the counter top, dark eyes on Ava. “We thought that perhaps, since you're here, it would be nice to have you coordinating things from the bridge.”

 

“Oh”, Ava lets out in surprise, her eyes darting from Amaya to look at the others. “Is that really what Sara would have wanted? For you guys to be out there while she's...”, she pauses, trying to find the right word or the right thing to say, but all she manages is a faint gesture with both her hands.

 

It's Nate who answers. “Yeah, the captain wouldn't want us to be lazy. Plus got to keep in shape and all, am I right?”

 

Ava's brow furrows and she doesn't feel entirely convinced. “And why would you want my help with it anyway? Our methods are clearly different.”

 

Ray is the one who raises his hand and speaks this time. “I believe taking a different approach to solving an anachronism would be most beneficial to the team, since it can gives us new tools to implement, not only in the field itself, but also in our personal-”

 

“Okay, okay I get it.”, she says suddenly, no doubt interrupting one of those famous Ray rants, if the way he frowns is of any indication. Ava is still not convinced they should be going out there without Sara, but they're asking her for help and she's glad for it, glad they decided to talk to her instead of going out there and ending up completely messing up history, _again._ Her eyes scan the room one last time, finding the Legends looking at her expectantly.

They remind her of kids staring at their mum, waiting for her to say yes on that one cookie they really want to have before dinner.

 

How did Sara even manages to stay firm with them, she has no idea. Maybe she doesn't and that's really where the problem resides.

 

Ava lets out a breath through her nose, resigning herself to assume defeat on this one. “Is this really what Sara would have wanted?”, she asks one last time.

 

They all just nod.

 

“Fine. But I'm eating _and_ getting properly dressed for this first.”

 


	8. Chapter 8

In insight the Legends shouldn't have picked a level eight anachronism to deal with in the first place, but again, she's sure that none of them were expecting to find the _actual_ Trojan Horse precariously balanced _on top of a pyramid_ in Ancient Egypt. With soldiers still inside.

 

Ava has to rub her eyes and pinch herself when she actually get a visual because there's just absolutely _no way_ the information she's getting from the Legends out in the field is right. Nate is more than enthusiastic, going on and on about the entire Trojan War and what not, but Ava can't really focus on his words when all she sees in from of her is _hazard._ Her mind starts running through different scenarios on how to safely remove the anachronism, but none seems viable.

 

And to make things worse, the soldiers that were still inside the wooden horse had gone into a panic, and were desperately trying to climb out through the sides.

 

She has to think and _fast._

 

It feels odd to be standing on the bridge of the Waverider, now back to her Time Bureau suit – minus the jacket, which was still draped over Sara somehow – running the comms for the Legends. She'd only done it once before, very briefly, when they'd dealt with the Viking situation and Sara had asked for her help with it. But Sara had been there, guiding the Legends through it, and despite her not agreeing one hundred percent with her methods, she had managed to get the job done.

 

That is, until she'd gotten herself stuck into an alternative dimension and Ava had to pull her out of it.

 

Ava can hear Zari and Amaya wondering out loud how they're supposed to get the giant thing down and return it to the right time period it belongs to, while Nate is somehow _still_ going on about the Trojan War. Ray seems distracted with ancient engineering and Mick just wants to burn the wooden thing to ashes and be done with it. It's a legit mess in her ear and she can't really hear herself think, let alone focus.

 

It's only when she sees one of the soldiers dangling precariously and in risk of falling to his death that Ava finally snaps out of her 'follow protocol' routine and works with what she has.

 

The Legends surprisingly work like a perfect oiled machine under her instructions. Nate and Mick work on removing the workers from around the pyramid, while Zari, Amaya and Ray focus on getting the soldiers out of the wooden structure and into the safety of the Waverider. There's more than a few moments of panic, when the massive horse starts to lose it's balance and is at risk of toppling, but somehow Amaya manages to go inside and stabilize it, until everyone inside has been removed.

 

Ray shrinks the structure to a more manageable size afterwards and not even twenty minutes later, they are all returning to the ship.

 

Ava assists with flashing the soldiers one by one – she decides to not ask just _how_ the Legends had managed to get their hands on that many flashers – and then has to nearly pry the now small Trojan Horse out of Ray's hands, insisting they had to return the structure to the correct time and place.

 

He's not happy but ends up conceding, after Ava promises to get him an exact replica that he can keep.

 

Soldiers and Trojan Horse safely returned and anachronism solved, they all gather on the bridge, eyes on her. She's not particular fond of giving speeches but she feels like they earned it, earned her congratulatory words and even a warm smile. Ava wasn't expecting the massive group hug that follows – Nate starts it, the others all follow his lead, all except Mick, who just raises his beer in cheers and leaves shortly to change.

 

It's different but it doesn't feel completely weird, and that scares her more than anything. The nagging thought, the one still ever present in the back of her mind constantly telling her she shouldn't be there, makes itself noticeable the moment the Legends let go of her and start filtering out of the room to change or grab a bite. Ava wants to go and see Sara, be near her, and that feels selfish.

 

Not to mention she literally just hijacked Sara's team – they hijacked her, really – to go on some mission while their captain is still unconscious on the medbay.

 

It doesn't sit right, even if the mission had been a success, and she wonders how upset Sara will be when she finds out.

 

But the team is in high spirits, like she hasn't seen since she'd arrived to the Waverider, and its contagious. Their laughter echoes through the walls and reach her ears, along with the terrible re-enactment of the rescue efforts from earlier from Nate and Ray. The others protest they're exaggerating, that it's not how it happened, but they keep adding their own details, which Ava can tell are also far from the truth.

 

Ava didn't mean to linger and eavesdrop but then they are talking about her, about how glad they are that she helped them, how glad they are that she's there and she can't help but listen in.

 

It warms her heart to know that the Legends trust and respect her this much, even if part of her still feels like she doesn't quite deserve it.

 

She swallows that thought and finally wills her body to move, her feet carrying her to the medbay.

 

**

 

Ava is animatedly telling a prone Sara about their entire anachronism adventure from her perch on the couch next to her when it happens. She doesn't even realize she's done it, doesn't realize she's holding Sara's hand in hers until she's finished her tale and her gaze moves from Sara's peaceful face to her lap.

 

Her eyes go wide and her entire body freezes when it hits her, and she has no idea what to do for a full thirty seconds, especially when she sees that not only has she grabbed the other woman's hand, but she’s also been rubbing circles into it with her thumb. Ava prays to every known and unknown deity out there that Sara hasn't noticed, that she's still very much asleep.

 

Unsure and hesitant, her breath catches as she uses her own shaking hands to start moving Sara’s back to where it had been resting on the medchair at her side before she’d picked it up - but she never gets to finish the motion.

 

Her eyes catch the telltale glimpse black lines, inked along the inside of Sara's pinky finger and she freezes again. Her heart feels like it's about to burst out of her chest, and her mind whirls with an overwhelming amount of unanswered questions, a storm of emotions that she can't name flooding her entire being.

 

Seconds pass, and she tries to reason with herself, tries to rationalize that there'd be no way Sara had kept her soulmark hidden from her. But Ava had kept her own soulmark hidden from Sara, so why would it be so unbelievable to say that Sara had done the same thing?

 

The small bit of black she can see curving around Sara’s finger is calling to her, drawing her in with an all-encompassing desire to see it. She has to make sure.

 

There's something tugging at her, something in the back of her mind that's telling her she needs to see it, for her own sake. It's doesn't feel right to even be considering it, not when a soulmark feels like something so personal and Sara's not even awake for Ava to ask if she can. But the tug keeps growing, and the more she thinks about it, the more she remembers small things that are suddenly seeming so relevant, like the location of the inked skin being a perfect match to hers and how that tingling sensation is back on her pinky finger, the same one she hasn't felt ever since that morning in her office when Sara had kissed her and said those three words that meant everything.

 

The insistent tugging soon becomes a pull that she can’t resist when she thinks back to their last conversation, to the way Sara's eyes had kept lingering on her bandage. Ava hadn't really thought much about it, hadn't really paid it any mind, but now? Now she's wondering if Sara knew. Maybe she'd tried to tell her that, but Ava had pushed her away, had pushed everything she had to offer and thrown it right back in her face.

 

There's resentment bubbling in the pit of her stomach but she pushes it down immediately. If this is true, then she can't blame Sara for not telling her when she knows she's done the exact same thing. Maybe her reasoning had even been the exact same as Ava’s for the decisions.

 

Maybe Ava had spared them from the indignity of being mistaken about something as big as this. Maybe she had actually pushed the one person she was meant to be with away, hurting them both in the process.

 

Either way, there was only one way for her to find out.

 

Ava braces herself and takes a deep breath as she makes up her mind. She needs to know, needs to see it, even if the sight is not what she's hoping and praying for. Even if it means that her suspicious are right, that they were never meant for each other, at least she'll have the comfort of absolute surety instead of drowning in doubt for the rest of her days.

 

The room is quiet. Ava can't hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor or the gentle hum that is always ever present on this ship. Can't hear the Legends, right around the corner chatting away without a care. Can't feel anything other than the gentle, steady pulse under her fingertips as she carefully turns Sara's hand around so her palm is facing up. Ava doesn’t think she's taken a breath as the ink on Sara's finger is slowly revealed under the bright lights.

 

When it finally is, when the ink is fully visible…

 

Ava lets out an audible gasp, one of her hands immediately flying to her mouth while the other holds Sara's in place. There's tears blurring her vision, but she can still see the black lines that run down Sara's pinky finger of her left hand clear as day, can see the way they twist and curl on her skin.

 

Her mark is a dagger. A small, intricate dagger.

 

She's not even thinking when her free hand moves down from her mouth and starts to trace the inked skin of Sara's finger with her own. The blade is full of imperfections, little chips and dents with what appears to be scratch marks along it, and the hilt is just as decorated with curled waves like the ones along her own soulmark.

 

Ava looks at it and marvels just well it matches Sara, how well it represents her, and she absolutely loves it, imperfections and all. Just as much as she loves Sara herself.  
  


She loves Sara. She’s in love with Sara.  
  


_Ava Sharpe is in love with Sara Lance._   
  


And honestly, Ava thinks she has been for quite some time. Even before the soulmark on her hand appeared, before she spent a full day tackling an anachronism by her side, before Sara had told her just how pretty Ava looked with her hair down. She's been in love with Sara Lance since they crossed paths at the Time Bureau, back when Ava still though Sara was the most infuriating woman she'd ever met.  
  


Back then, Ava had felt the pull, but she hadn't realized what it really meant. Not until now.  
  


It's like they say - all the love songs suddenly make sense, the stars align, and the entire universe is not so much of a mystery any more.  
  


This revelation still leaves something like a bitter in her mouth, one she can no longer ignore, even if there's a comfortable warmth in her chest and she'd never felt this happy before. Ava still doesn't know what Sara will say when she finds out, doesn't know if she'll push her away like Ava had done to her. She doesn't know what she'll say when the Legends tell her that Ava helped them with an anachronism, doesn't know how she'll react when she hears that Ava’s been staying with her the entire time she has been unconscious, doesn't know -  
  


“Has anyone ever told you that overthinking is a bad thing, Ava Sharpe?”   
  


It comes out as nothing more than a raspy whisper, but Ava would recognize that voice anywhere. She freezes instantly when it reaches her ears, her finger still on inked skin, and though she hesitates, Ava can't help herself, can't avoid glancing up and meeting Sara's beautiful blue eyes. She half expects to see her frowning, to see her features twisted in a scowl, but Sara is just gazing at her with that same affectionate expression she'd shown when they were together in Ava's office.   
  


It doesn’t make sense, and Ava furrows her brow.  
  


She doesn't understand it, can't understand why Sara would be looking at her like that after everything. She wants Sara to be mad at her, wants her to push her away, wants her to say she doesn't want to see her again.  
  


Wants her to do anything but _this_.  
  


Sara must have sensed something, must have seen it in her eyes because next thing Ava knows her hand is completely wrapped up in the warmth of Sara's, and her voice is incredibly soft when she speaks again. “Hey, none of that again” she murmurs quietly, slowly lifting her upper body until she's sitting up properly, the jacket Ava had draped over her sliding to the floor. Ava wants to protest, wants to tell her to be careful, but no words come out of her mouth when Sara twists slightly to face her, leaning down to be at eye level with Ava.  
  


Ava notes that Sara can't be comfortable like that, but she doesn't seem to mind when there's a warm hand cupping Ava's cheek, and her breath is catching in her throat when she sees Sara's eyes momentarily flickering towards her mouth. She unconsciously licks her lips in response, and that just seems to convince Sara to moving her face closer and closer until their noses are touching.   
  


Ava closes her eyes in expectation of a kiss, but it never happens.  
  


Instead their foreheads are touching and Ava is confused and conflicted, half her mind telling her to pull away and the other half telling her to close the small distance between them and just kiss the other woman. She doesn’t notice she's start crying until she feels Sara's thumb move to gently wipe at the wet skin on her cheek, and that realisation only makes her tears come faster.   
  


Ava is completely overwhelmed, and she wants to tell her - wants to tell Sara about the storm of emotions she's feeling, tell her about what she's really feeling, but the only thing that escapes her lips is a strangled sob.  
  


“Ava,” Sara whispers against her lips, “Ava, I know.” She shifts and rearranges their connected hands around until their fingers are laced together, until their soulmarks are touching. “It's okay. We'll be okay.”  
  


And for the first time, Ava actually finds herself believing her.  
  


Of course, they'll still have to talk about it eventually, but for now? For now she's at peace, right where she belongs.  
  


She's Sara Lance's home. And Sara Lance is hers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it!
> 
> Thank you so much for taking your time to read this and I hope it was at least a bit enjoyable.  
> I may had an epilogue at some point but for now it will stay like this <3


End file.
